kiss me - webbert/jahnnie

1 - pretend

(Johnnie's pov)

TW!!: SH

I was laying curled up into a ball of misery. I felt useless. Derealization has been hitting me pretty hard lately, but I'm still here.

Still here.

Still here.

The words lingered in the back of my mind. How was I still here? After all of my attempts of leaving this horrid, disgusting place called "home." I always wonder what happens after death. Are there really two places called "heaven" and "hell"? Or is that just some made up bullshit from an old Christian?

I uncurled out of the tiny ball I was scrunched into, letting my feet swing loosely of the edge of the bed. My socks had tiny flowers patterned on them. I kinda remind myself of a flower. I just need something or somebody to help me open up about things.

A knock on my bedroom door woke me out of my illusion of thought. "Can I come in?" A voice came from the other side. It was my roommate, Jake. It had been so awkward even walking past him recently. Not because I was nervous of him. I was nervous what he would think of me.

My voice was paralyzed, stuck in the back of my throat. Jake slowly opened the door, poking his head through. "H-hey.." I finally choked out. I tried to cover up my voice crack with a tiny cough at the end. Jake slowly walked inside of my room. He studied me up and down. I knew that he suspected something was up with me. It's ok, Johnnie. Just gotta keep it chill.

"Hey, I just haven't talked to you in a little bit." Jake said softly. His deep brown eyes stared deep into mine, almost as if he could see every little emotion I had. He stood there in silence, making this even more awkward than it started with. His gaze fluttered around the room as he shifted his stance nervously. Yet I still couldn't get a single word to choke out of me.

Jake cleared his throat, trying to clear the awkward silence. "D-do you wanna go out somewhere later? Like maybe go get some food or something?" He asked me. That was definitely not what I had expected him to say. I nodded my head in a gentle gesture for 'yes'. "Ok, well you better get dressed then!" He giggled, clearing the rising tension between us. I laughed softly. "Ok, fine." I said jokingly.

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Jake pulled up into the McDonald's drive through, ordering for both of us as I was too shy to speak. We pulled up to the window and grabbed our food. Jake pulled into the parking lot to eat. He handed me a small fry and a cheeseburger. I had kept denying that Jake buy me food earlier, but soon after he had influenced me into getting at least a burger.

I picked up one of the frys slowly. A wave of nausea swam over me as I held it up to my mouth. I felt as if I could vomit at any moment. Ive been feeling like this for the past week or two. Whenever somebody even mentioned food I would get sick to my stomach.

I hadn't eaten anything for about two or three days. My stomach was an empty abyss. Even if I wanted to throw up I couldn't.

I realized I'd been sitting there, the fry in front of my face while I spaced out. Jake was looking at me quizzically, trying to figure out what I was doing. "You okay?" He asked. "Yeah... I just think that I'm gonna save my food for later if that's ok." That was a lie. As soon as I got home I would put it in the fridge, and then forget about it for the next week until I find it going bad.

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As we arrived home, we walked inside of the house. I went over to the fridge and placed my food on the bottom shelf inside of it. I turned back around to see Jake sitting on the couch, texting someone on his phone. I walked by him, glancing over to see what he was typing. It wasn't really anything important, he was just texting goodnight to Tara. (His best friend)

I sat down next to him, wrapping my arms around my legs. "So..." I said, trying to clear the silence in the room. "I guess I should go to bed now." I told him, getting up from the couch. "Ok, goodnight, Johnnie." Jake replied, his eyes still glued to the screen.

Oh, I expected maybe a hug or something. Or at least him to look at me when he said it. I walked into my room, sitting down onto my bed. I felt selfish for wanting love or attention. I glanced around my room, my eyes landing on a pair of scissors. Stop, Johnnie.

Stop.

Just stop, it's that easy.

A memory popped up into my head, flashing back horrible memories.
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(Flashback to when he was 11yo)

I ran into the bathroom, locking myself into it. I hid in the shower, shutting the curtains to hide me. "YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THERE YOU LITTLE FUCKER!" My mother yelled at me. She yelled a bunch of other things at me that I couldn't make out from the banging and kicking on the door. As I heard her yelling voice run fade out, I scrambled out of the shower, opening the top drawer. I felt around until I found the sharp blade I'd hidden at the back of it.

One cut. Slice

Two cuts. Slice

Three cuts. Slice.

Blood dripped from my wrists onto the counter and floor. I couldn't stop it. I didn't want to stop it...

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OK I WILL BE UPDATING THIS STORY A LOT SO BE EXCITED FOR NEW CHAPTERSSS THIS IS ONE OF MY FIRST STORIES IM PUBLISHING I HOPE U LIKE IT GUYSS!

Word count: 995