Once Upon a Time in London

Chapter 41

I thought of it then, sometime after Rahul had left and I lay on the floor, cold and alone.

I would never love anyone again.

I would never love Rahul again.

And yet, Zain had appeared and pulled me out of the turmoil that seemed to be eating away at me.

I told myself then that it was okay, that it would be okay to love someone again. Zain loved me, I could love him back and I could lead the life I always wanted to live.

And the more time I spent with Zain, the more I wanted it, the things that I'd unknowingly started wanting with Rahul.

I wanted to build a home, with fenced up gardens that stretched out all around the house, flowers that bloomed until I grew sick of counting them, a pond where I could sit by the man I loved, the man who loved me, soaking my feet in summer nights when a fan or ac didn't seem to be enough.

I wanted to bake food in our kitchen, where the skylight showered us in natural light while we marked our love with flour on each other's faces. I wanted to sit by him by the fireplace on cold days, laying my head in his lap while he stroked my head and ran his fingers through my hair.

I wanted to dance on our patio while it rained and poured down on us, when the clouds sang songs of thunder and we danced to the rhythm of the rain. I wanted to be kissed everywhere on my being, everywhere in my house. In our house.

I wanted to...

I wanted to have it all.

If not Rahul, then Zain.

It can't be Rahul, so Zain.

— — — — — —

I sit on my bed as the wind circles into my room from all the windows I opened a while back and yet I still feel like I can't breathe. My chest threatens to collapse in on itself.

Zain had called.

He had told me he loved me.

And I couldn't say it back.

I liked Zain, more than perhaps anything I've liked in a while. He made me happy, he listened to me, he encouraged me to pursue my dreams, he made me feel like I was the only one for him.

And I wanted to give all of myself to him in return, to love him truly and deeply with every fibre in my being. But I cannot seem to escape the shadow that lingers behind all our photo frames, in a house of memories and love that I started to build with Zain, there's a thought of Rahul that haunts me.

I sit on my bed and think of how this feels like betrayal.

To a man who loves me, another shouldn't even be crossing my mind.

— — — — — —

I'm walking down the street, walking past the buildings and someone on a bike passes by me. A woman on her phone, yelling at someone on the other line bumps into me and apologises before she rushes past. I smile, I missed New York.

I'm at the door to my company building, rummaging through my bag, trying to find a keycard I'd forgotten on my bedside table the night before. I'd taken it out to inspect my crooked eyeliner that I'd done in a hurry for the photo that it almost made my eyes seem different shapes. I'd been turning it this way and that to try and find a good angle but no matter what, my eye always looked lopsided.

I smack my forehead, "I can't believe this!" I feel like screaming, I left it in the hotel room. Even though the company had booked us hotel rooms not too far from here, a 30 minute walk back to my room wasn't exactly possible. I eye up the guards, I contemplate whether they'd be cooperative and confirm that I'm an actual orientation employee with the higher ups if I told them about what happened.