The Story So Far (FTM Story)

100 Sleepless Nights

Mood: Sleepless
Date: June 25, 2015
Entry:
I guess I should probably include a backstory about my life with a few things to go along here, because I realized even though a few of you I am friends with, there are probably alot if not now but later alot of you who don't know me..
Here is the backstory that nobody knows but me and now, you.
When I was born I was born a fighter. I want 3 months early by my mom who was in it for sex, drugs, and empty souls. I had my embilicle cord wrapped around my throat and was told I wouldn't make it, and if I didn't make it I would have a number of health issues and most likely would be having mentally retardation, or so I was told by my dad. My mom wasn't really there I was a "trophy baby." She would show me off to people she mated with and whatnot but in actuality when she wasn't showing me off I was left in my crib with dirty diapers and whatnot. My dad working two jobs finally got me and him out of there with the help of my grandma. Anyways lets skip ahead to kindergarten to get back to the point of this whole ordeal. In kindergarten I was bullied, I had 1 friend and a few people who I wanted to be friends with but they didn't like me because I was weird and I acted like a boy. I would play in the dirt, eat worms and bugs, I would always go to the family friends house to play with their son with G.I. Joe action figures or play on the PlayStation. I never liked to wear skirts, dresses, capris, or blouses or even the color pink. I hated it. My dad would take me out to the garage while he fixed cars I would watch him and hand him certain types of tools he would describe, him teaching me certain parts of the car that I was too small to remember even now. By first grade I would play soccer and other sports. I had also developed little crushes kids have on other kids, only my crushes were on other girls, now when I was raised for the first 8 years of my life it was strictly Christian lifestyles, I had never heard a curse word until I was 8 1/2, I had no clue there was more music out there than the one on the Christian station, and I had went to church every sunday and Wednesday night for awanas amd sunday school. So growing up when I was small I was taught marriage was with one man and one woman, so I knew that I wasn't supposed to like girls, and I was supposed to like boys, oh was the world in for a surprise for when I was older. As time goes by my dad leaves my first step mom who is by the way older than my grandma by like 10 years or so. I meet my second step mom who shall I say caused 6 years of hell. My lifestyle changed, I was treated like I was two, I was taken to a therapist at 9 and was told I was depressed even though I wasn't sad that often, until it got bad.. at age 10 I learned about sex from my step sister who tried doing things to me that I didn't like. When we'd play house or play with barbies, I would always pipe up, "I want to be the daddy!" I would play with ken dolls and be the male figure because I felt that was where I was comfortable as. When my brother was born in 2006 I was happy because I had a playmate who liked all the things I did, we'd play with all the action figures of Spiderman and iron man, and all the boy toys. When I was 11 I wanted my hair cut short because I didn't like long hair so I got it cut the "London look" or so the book said. When I hit puberty I thought my life w as over, because I knew there was something wrong with me only I didn't quite know what. In 8th grade once mommy dearest was divorced from my dad I had learned about some things, I had learned that there is no god, and that people can marry whoever they want. I was in denial about a few things because my crushes on girls weren't fading and I was quite fond of wanting to look like the male figure in life. I dated boys who it was time to start dating because I once again thought I couldn't be gay, also I knew my grandma would have a cow. So to myself I was bi-curious. At 15 I turned to drugs and self harm because I thought those would kill my sadness inside, I was depressed because even though I had slept with 2 guys and dated one girl that there wasn't something wrong with me, I thought I could kill the gay and depression away. That never worked. By 16 I was more accepting to me being "gay" until I heard that people can change their gender to what they seemed to fit them, I was stunned because after all those years of feeling like a boy I could actually be a boy. Once again I was in Denial up until early 2013. I had grown quite fond of the idea of changing my gender to the one I felt only I was scared to come out. My gma had already flipped when I had came out as bi and I didn't know how she would feel or react when I came out as trans. So for the longest time If anyone asked me I told them I was lesbian. Finally during the summer of 2013 I came out to my best friend. She accepted me and told me she knew something was different about me since she first met me in second grade. In February of 2014 after my attempting suicide I can't out to my family by first telling them in not lesbian and I dated boys to make them happy, and how I don't like boys either, I told them I was transgender which means I wanted to be a boy and how I liked girls. As predicted my family threw a hissy fit and still to this day won't accept me. But because of them not accepting me and me being the fighter I am, have a family of friends who love and accept me for who I am.

I really wanted to say all of this because to those who say that being gay or bring trans or something is just a phase, it really isn't. It's not sorcery, its not a phase, it is real life that people live with and are scared about their whole lives, they question it, fight it and try to be the ones that the negativity wants them to be. Others die from it because like me it ate them alive with the secrets they held behind their lips in fear of what others will do to them because of it. I'm sick of hearing about all they LGBTQ+ kids dying on t.v. because someone made their life hell because of it. Why can't people accept those who love and want to be loved?...honestly it is making everyone's lives hell because of it.

-Dominik