my introvert life

6. let me cry

~ January 28 2024

I didn't felt like writing yesterday and nothing really happened anyway. I woke up I was reading again, eat food my mum made we had a regular family meeting. Say a bad thing that happened in the last week, say something good and then organising stuff for the next week. I told my mum that I didn't like her habit of listening to the audio massages at the table and she said she would try to not do it anymore. Then we all watched a movie about queen I agreed because I wanted to know why queen was such a impact on the music industry turns out it's not one person but a band. Then movie was pretty good after that dad and I watched two more episodes of a StarWars extra series while Mom my sister went to sleep. Then I was reading again until I fell asleep.

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TW: Death

I woke up today at 11:11am then I did what? Reading of course after that I stood up and danced a half hour made myself some breakfast and had a small panic attack. To forget about my problems I started a new story because I finished the other one. Great escape.. almost the story made me remember my cat. My soulmate as stupid as it might sound. He was always by my side we treasured each other he was always so happy to see me after school and he was always my first priority when coming back no matter what work I had to do. He would always sleep in my room and if he had to choose his favourite human I'm pretty sure he would have picked me. I could do anything around him and he would always stay and help me by staying by my side. I was really insecure about reading out loud so I practiced, reading for him he seemed to like herding my voice and sometimes even purred. I loved looking at his eyes and he always looked back. Sometimes we would just sit on the floor doing nothing but cuddling. I miss him so much it's hurt's.. he seemed to always feel when I was feeling bad and tried to cheer me up. He never bit or hurt me and when he did something like throwing up on my couch I couldn't stay mad at him for more than some hours. He was the one I could tell everything and he made me happy even when I was really down. But now it's been one and a half year since he had to leave this earth. I thought the pain would get better but I just learnt to to keep it away from anyone but myself it still hurts as much. He was really sick and I was the only one to notice that. I told my parents that he needed help and they said we would look at it two more days because it was Friday and the doctor had already closed but it got worse and I was so restless it hurt me to see him like this he had problems with walking but still tried to climb up on my plateau because he felt the most in my presence and on my bed. But even laying down seemed to hurt him so much. So panicked and told my parents we had to help him. So my mum and I got the transport box ready to go to the pet hospital which is way more expensive but I really didn't care I just wanted to help him. I carefully placed him in the box and keept him close while we drove to the hospital. I was on the verge of crying while going there and when we entered and waited. They said it was a knot in the blood which was stopping the new blood to go to the rest of his body and that they could help him with a big risk and that even when they did that this was not the only knot in his blood circle apparently he had a lot of them and they said they would have to operate him really often in the future. And the other opportunitie was to put him to sleep forever. The doctor said he was the first cat to be bought this early with this problem the other cats were in a lot more pain because their humans didn't noticed their struggling that early. And that sometimes the rest of the body would be cold because of the knot blocking the blood. And that it would be even more dangerous if the knot would reach the heart. But my cat still seemed to be okay with only a little bit of pain and a still warm body. Now my tears and the tears of my mom fell we discussed for a long time and she said we had to say goodbye. So we went to see him one last time.. he sat on the cold table in a small room. My soulmate I needed to say goodbye forever. I couldn't stop crying and hugged him again like I had always an gave him kisses my mum also said goodbye and as we had to leave the room I turned back looking him in the eyes and saying that I loved him more than anything. One last kiss on the head and we went out. Forever. But it's just a cat NO!! We were supposed to wait in the waiting room but I couldn't breathe properly and my mum told me to go outside to get some air. So we waited outside at the parking lot I felt dizzy and my breathing got worse until I couldn't breathe anymore my mom took action and helped me before I would collapse. It got better and I could finally breathe again. Then the doctor came back and gave us the empty transport box back. We waited some time so my mum was able to drive again and went home to tell my sister and dad what happened.

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TW end

So I put some music on and prepared everything to film an kpop photocards unboxing video. When I finished filming I had to face the fact that my practica would start tomorrow and I was so anxious like I would be forced to swim with sharks while having a nosebleed. I went to my parents to ask for help but they played it of 'it's not that bad' it only made me feel like I shouldn't feel this way but I wanted to know how to deal with my feelings. Hearing that I should not feel like this will not help me because I can't just turn my anxiety off like a light switch. So I went back to my room followed by my mum and I cried again because it was just so much I was so overwhelmed and scared of the big change. Then she left to cook some food and I said sorry to my dad because I felt like he wanted to help me and also tried to but since it wasn't of much use I said that it didn't helped me at all. But after thinking it through I came to the conclusion that I was still thankful that he tried to help. And when I told him that he actually told me about his own past and it helped a lot more. I'm still anxious though!!

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My mum teached me how to clean the bathroom because I should help to keep the apartment clean more than I already do. But luckily I have my own little bathroom so I only had to clean my bathroom and not the other big one.

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It's currently 11:45 and I still have to pack my bag and take a shower. It wouldn't be that bad if I didn't had to was my hair. I have pretty long hair and if I want to go the shampoo out my shower takes at least one hour. So not much sleep for me I guess. But please please please I don't want to be late on my first day.

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Counting how often I cried today hmm how about 3 hours I cried again while writing about my goodbye again and I will probably cry in the shower perfect to start a new chapter like this but anyway good night.

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