my introvert life

8. silent

~ April 23 2024

That feeling when people drift away.

"And what hurts the most is people can go from people you know to people you don't. We used to be close but people can go from people you know to people you don't"

I have no one but myself who I talk to about how I feel right now. If you understand what I mean when I say 'Sister issues'. No seriously we had been each others other half. She knew almost everything about me and the other way around but she started ignoring me about one and a half years ago. Like not spending time with me anymore, or Yelling at me, or just saying I annoy her.. "shut up". It got more intense over the time. First I didn't know how to react to her behaviour but she was the most important person in my life someone I could talk to about whatever whenever.

I tried to give her more space as she wanted but I didn't wanted to lose her completely so I tried from time to time but it only got worse. Apparently it was not only me but also our Mom since we (Mom and me) didn't let her enough space and took to much care of her and that she wanted to live alone. She's 16 now but already said this at the age of 14. For my mom and me it was never an issue I love my mum and I'm/was clingy to persons who are important to me. Isn't it supposed to be that way otherwise they could think they're not important to me right?

But since over a half year she hasn't been talking to me much.. and I let her I let her go. She said she liked it better that way. She started to get better with our Mom again. She doesn't yell at me anymore but she never talk's to me first and if I ask something I get a short rude or no response. I stopped asking her anything. We completely stopped talking. I don't want to 'annoy' her.

I only realised how much of an impact this had on me.

I think that it was maybe only the wrong timing but it still hurt.. my dad was telling me that we would watch a movie together my mum but when I went to the living room he was reading an important email which I didn't knew so I asked what he was doing and then how long it's going to take but he was suddenly bursting out. "Stop being so annoying". He's never like this he never yells at me he always tells me. And my mum had told me that I'm being annoying a couple days before too.

Now is it better to talk and annoy people or is it better to not talk and don't annoy?

I decide it's better to not talk and don't annoy. It's not like I knowingly decided that but It hurt me a lot to hear from the people I appreciate the most that I'm annoying. I started talking less. I've never really talked that much outside of my home with anyone but now I just listen and try to not make their monologue awkward. I feel so insecure about taking about my life I really don't want to annoy anyone.

At home.. my mum is always on business trips like every week three to four days this week even the whole week. And she's the one I would talk to the most the person that is the closest to me. And I can't talk to her but I can also can't tell her when I'm not feeling mentally too well because she is too emphatic and would get sad too she would overthink and she deserves better she's already facing enough stress from her work I don't want her to worry about me.

For my dad.. I.. he had always been an introvert and doesn't talk to much just like me he would keep a lot of thought's to himself. I had a hard time connecting with him sometimes so I told my mum but my mom can't keep any secrets like she is almost never keeping them so my dad knew a day later and tried to talk to me more. Our bond became better but since I stopped talking outside of home that much I did at home. Again I don't want to annoy anyone. But this resulted in my dad almost never talking to me anymore and my mum always talks about work it's like she just reflects her thoughts but they don't ask me anything they don't start until I do.

I feel like I'm drowning in a silent sea the pressure on my lungs, it hurts so much.

I have three people I would consider as my friends but I also have the same protecting behaviour I don't talk to much I often just listen. But for that people might think it's annoying that they have to ask everything because I never talk about anything from myself. That's not how friendship or any kind of relationship works I know that but I can't help myself.

Someone once said "loneliness is the one thing we can't change on our own. In this society people are trained and told to always care about themselves first. And that if people have a problem they should deal with it because it's their problem. But that cuts empty and we are Human not Robots we have feelings and we need to take care of them but not only our own also the feelings of others"

I occupie mind with reading. I basically life there more than in this real world. I know it's not the best idea but it keeps me away from thinking about things which could bring me back to depression. Wait do I have a depression or is it a trauma.. something else? I don't know. I just know people always say to not bottle things up but I can't bring myself to talk about it to anyone.

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