Hold On To Me (Marina)

12.I'm Not Okay

12.

Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound
(Citizen Soldier-I'm Not Okay)

Darkness. She was surrounded by darkness. The smell of the sea pervaded her nostrils and the warm breeze lightly caressed her face, with gentleness. All of a sudden, she felt two hands roam on her back and grab her by the arms, violently. All the gentleness she had experience before was gone, all she could feel now was pain and terror, nothing else. She tried to wriggle herself free, to run away, but she couldn't. She opened her mouth to scream, but nothing came out of her throat, not even the tiniest sound. Then, the salty taste of the sea was on her tongue. She was drowning. And no one would have been able to save her.

Carina's eyes snapped open and she gasped for air. She sat up and took deep breaths, to calm herself down. A nightmare, that had been just a nightmare. She shook her head. No, that wasn't just a nightmare, she was aware of that. It had been two days since Keira had been admitted to the hospital and she had operated on her and since then she hadn't felt herself anymore. Old memories kept invading her mind and Carina didn't know what to do. After her breakdown in the scrub room, Meredith had forced her to immediately email her therapist and the two had talked by the phone. It had helped her a little, but it wasn't enough. She hadn't felt in such a way for so long and all she wanted was shake that horrible sensation of dirtiness off herself.

"Hey." she heard Maya muttering, concern in her voice. "What's wrong?". Carina shrugged, her back turned on her wife. "Nightmare?". The Italian nodded, without saying anything. She could still sense the taste of the seawater in her mouth.

"It was just a dream, Carina. You're safe here." Maya tried to reassure her. However, when she felt her wife's arms wrap her waist, the doctor jerked and jumped off the bed, abruptly. Maya was worried. Not even when Andrea had died she had refused a hug from her in such a bad way.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm fine." Carina answered. "I just had a bad dream, nothing serious. I need some space, nothing else.". Maya didn't buy it, at all. It was obvious that something was wrong. Yes, undoubtedly Carina was worried about Keira, that was a matter of fact. The girl hadn't woken up already, what she had gone through was horrible and finding her on the OR-table must have been traumatic for her wife. But there was something more, something that Maya couldn't really figure out. Something that she was starting to find really scary.

"Do you want me to prepare you a chamomile? Maybe it can help you..."

"I don't want anything, Maya!". The firefighter froze, shocked. Carina had never snapped that way, not even when she had found out about the blonde blackmailing Ross and Sullivan. She looked at her and the Italian seemed to realize how badly she had reacted.

"I'm sorry, I..." she muttered, mortified by her own behavior.

"It's okay." Maya reassured her. "I'll prepare you that chamomile.". Carina followed her wife to the kitchen. She knew she had hurt her and she hated herself for that. She loved Maya with all her heart and the last thing she wanted was treating her badly. She leaned against the wall, while watching her wife pour some water into a cup and put it into the microwave. When it was hot enough she took it and put a chamomile bag into it.

"Sugar?" Maya asked.

"No, thank you." Carina answered. The firefighter nodded and handed the cup to her.

"It's hot, be careful." she told her. The Italian slightly smiled at her and grabbed the cup. She took a sip, then looked up at the ceiling, tears rolling down her cheeks. Meredith was right, she had to tell Maya the truth, but how could she give her such a burden after all they had been through? It wouldn't have been fair, at all.