WARNING: R-18
Trap
As I walked away from that hotel, the echoes of our shared moments lingered in my mind, and a wave of diffidence has washed all over me.
The weight of what happened left me feeling exposed, my vulnerability exposed like pages in a thrilling but uncertain chapter. The distant sound of footsteps mirrored the beats of my anxious heart, wondering if I had left a part of myself behind in that room.
And I did. It was the impulse and longing for something. What was it? Why did I act like that? Bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko? And with a stranger whose name is all I know? Why did I accepted him in the first place without any objection?
“Bella,” I heard him calling my name for attention.
Galit akong tumingin sa kanya.
“Izzy.” I said, gritting my teeth. “’Yan ang pangalan ko, huwag mo akong tinatawag ng kung anu-ano.”
He was taken a back from what I said.
“I’m sorry I know you’re angry, I should have restrained myself when you were drunk. I promise I won’t touch you again-“
“Again? Wala ng susunod, Matthew. Maghanap ka nalang ng iba,”
“Is it because of your girlfriend?”
Kumunot ang noo ko. “Ano?”
“I remember you saying you had a girlfriend,”
My lips parted.
Dahil may girlfriend na ako? Akala ba niya kaya ako nagkakaganito dahil lang sa may girlfriend na ako? It’s not because of that, damn it. Nagagalit ako ngayon sa sarili ko dahil nagpaubaya ako sa kanya ng walang kahirap hirap. Sa gabing magkasama kami, lasing ako’t lahat lahat…at kahit na hindi ako lasing ay tatraydorin parin ako ng katawan ko.
I don’t want that to go deeper. I’m already torn with Solene, I’ve already been through heartbreak and all…talaga bang hindi na ako natuto?
What would happen to me if I carry on with this?
“I’m sorry, kasalanan ko.” sabi ko nang hindi tumitingin sa kanya. Binalewala ang unang sinabi niya. “Nakakahiya na gano’n ang inakto ko kaya pasensiya na. Lasing ako at wala akong maalala nang mangyari ang sinabi mo kaya nakakahiya na makita mo akong gano’n.”
“That’s not a problem to me, Izzy.”
I looked at him and I found him staring at me. Gusto kong umiling at mag-iwas ng tingin pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko siya kayang tiisin. Bakit ganito?
Yes, I’m attracted to him. Sino ba ang hindi? Unang tingin ko palang sa kanya iba na ang pakiramdam ko at alam kong papahirapan ko lang ang sarili ko kapag pinagpatuloy ko pa ‘to.
“Hey, I wouldn’t do anything you wouldn’t like. Just tell me so..” he said softy.
“Nakakahiya lang na nakita mo ‘kong gano’n. First time ko lang din maglasing, tsaka uh, tama ka…baka kapag ibang tao ang nando’n at lumapit sa’kin baka mapahamak pa ‘ko.”
“That would never happen, you have me. I’ll watch you every time you want to get drunk. Sasabayan kita para hindi ka mapahamak.”
Hindi ako nagsalita.
Ganyan siya, e. Magaling talaga ang mga lalaki sa salita.
He licked his lips and continued to talk. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Hmm?”
“Did you do boyfriends before having a girlfriend?” kuryosong tanong niya.
“Huh? Uh, hindi wala pa akong karanasan sa lalaki.”
