THC Meets Poetry

Night Walk

Night Walk:

The moods are swinging hard as the voices make my ears feel like they’re ringing. I try to drain out the noise by singing. The tears behind my eyes are stinging.

I’m caught between the fear of abandonment and my desire for solitude. I can’t just ghost people. That’s rude, and I don’t like to view myself as that kind of dude, but sometimes I feel so blue. I’m struggling most days just to eat food. Sometimes friendship feels like it has an expiration date. Like an expired driver’s license that needs to be renewed. If I can’t renew the friendship soon, the doors of their hearts will close, and I’ll be screwed.

I seem to only exist to other people when I am online, and that’s fine. I’ve got a lot of other shit that is constantly occupying my time. Apathy and empathy combine. The emotions intertwine. I’m forgetting all the right words to say, could you read my next line?

I’m tired of chronically checking my phone. Spending too much time begging people to notice me and throw me a bone. I didn’t think I’d still be this pitiful once I had grown, but I wasn’t prepared for a life so unpredictable. Every second passing is unknown. I know I was a very lonely child, but to be honest, since becoming an adult I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone. Medicine went from bubblegum flavored syrup to a psychiatrist approving me for a happiness loan. Not even the emotions I experience feel like my own.

My tongue is good for more than sexual satisfaction. My love is more valuable than just a distraction. When did relationships become all about sex and attraction?
It seems to only be about obtaining a sense of validation. To be showered with affection and adoration. They crave it so often like a drug that they don’t know how to use in moderation. I’m trying to focus on getting my shit together, but I’m drowning under the weight of sexual and romantic expectations.

I’m tired of my feelings seeming invisible to people. Being made to feel like everything I do for others is all just in my imagination because they always demand more. This is why I feel like I need so much separation. I just need a long vacation. I need to be surrounded by a different population. Spend time under the warm sun while I immerse myself in meditation. I just need a major personality transformation.

I don’t know how to make sense of all these new changes. I’m trying to find answers in biblical pages. Most days I don’t even feel like a person. I’m completely helpless. I can only sit here and watch as the illnesses begin to worsen.

I walk the streets late at night with no clue as to where I’m going, but I prefer it to be that way. I like not knowing. It’s my time to light up and enjoy the world around me slowing.

End