Love Left To Lose

Make It Real

Danny knocks on the door.

"Come in," Carmilla calls. It sounds like she's been crying–– or maybe never stopped–– but both Danny and LaFontaine make a silent pact not to point it out.

"How's our girl?" LaF asks when Danny opens the door.

"Same way she's been for the past week," Carmilla answers tiredly in a chair at Laura's bedside. "I swear if she wasn't breathing, I'd think twice about that sentient flash drive's assessment of her."

Danny sits on Laura's bed and looks at the tiny girl on the vampire's bed. "She looks so peaceful."

Carmilla gives a rueful laugh. "So do the dead."

"Oh, hush," Perry says, entering the room with Kirsch. He quietly places a box of tissues on the desk without drawing attention to it. Perry removes the empty box and throws it out with similar nonchalance. "Laura will wake up soon."

"You don't know that," Carmilla snaps, her voice cracking. LaF looks like they're about to tell Carmilla off for answering rudely to Perry, but Perry grabs their hand and gives a shake of the head.

Carmilla gives Perry a small apologetic smile but it quickly fades. "J.P. said that by all rights, Laura should've died in that internal battle with lophiiformes. How do we know that won't still happen?"

"Because the little dude hasn't died," Kirsch replies. "She's strong and she'll wake up."

The vampire sniffles. "So stupid."

Danny raises an eyebrow. "Who are you calling stupid?"

"Me!" Carmilla snaps. She sighs and runs a hand through her hair, holds Laura hand with the other. "I'm stupid."

Perry gives her shoulder a quick warm squeeze. "Oh, honey, why do you think you're stupid?"

Carmilla bites her lip, hesitant to speak. To hell with it. "Why didn't I tell her how I felt about her?"

Everyone shifts uncomfortably.

"Not to, uhm, make you feel worse than you probably already do... But why haven't you told her, yet?" Carmilla shoots LaFontaine a look. "Look, sorry," they say, holding their hands up. "I was just curious."

"I think we all are," Perry offers lightly.

Carmilla doesn't say anything for a while, so the others are ready to drop the subject.

"I didn't want to make it real," she finally says softly.

The others don't press further.

"I didn't plan to fall for her, but I did. From the moment she told me I deserved better, she was the first person to see me as someone in my whole existence, and I knew I was a goner. But I never planned for it, which means I never planned to deal with her damn mortal life." She takes Laura's hand in both of her hands. "I haven't brought up the topic and I'm not even sure it's occurred to her. But what am I supposed to do? Watch her grow old and die? Turn her into a vampire and condemn her to an immortal life?" She shakes her head. "Telling her that I love her would've made everything seem too real."

She lets go of Laura's hand and wipes some tears away. "But I should've told her. If she hadn't survived the fight with lophiiformes, she would've died never knowing."

"She knew," Danny says gently. "You didn't have to say it to her for her to know."

"She deserved to hear it." Carmilla stands from the chair. "She deserves so much more than this." She gestures at Laura's unconscious body.

Carmilla takes a step away and sighs. "I should've done what I do after every sacrifice year–– left Silas and not come back."

"You don't mean that, bro," Kirsch says immediately.

"I do. I love her so much, but she would've been better off if I had just disappeared from her life a long time ago."

She turns towards the door. "It'll be tough for her to understand at first, but it'll hurt me a lot more and longer than it'll hurt her. Try to make her understand why I––"

There's a small groan and the entire room looks down at Laura, whose eyes are slowly blinking open.

"What did I say about being a martyr, Carm?" she asks weakly.

Carmilla lets out a half-sob, half-laugh and immediately rushes to the bedside.

Laura gives a weak smile to her and at her friends around the room. "What happened?"

"You beat it, cupcake. You beat lophiiformes. It used the last of its energy possessing you and you overpowered it." Tears well up in Carmilla's eyes. "You've been unconscious for a week."

"Explains the wedgie," Laura remarks, leading to laughs from everyone.

"Well, I'm sorry you've had to experience such hardship," Carmilla replies with a grin. "It somehow got lost in the panic of me not knowing if you were okay for a week."

Laura giggles. "Gee, I wonder what that's like. Imagine what it'd be like if someone was just lying MIA at the bottom of a pit for a week. No way of knowing if they're even alive, no postcard..."

"Yeah, yeah. Call it even?" Carmilla smiles and kisses Laura lightly on the cheek and hesitates for a moment.

"I love you," Carmilla blurts out. "I love your laugh. I love your drive. I love your stubbornness. I love your weirdness. I love that face you make when you're annoyed or angry. I love your loyalty and compassion. I love that fire you get in your eyes that just spreads through your whole body. I love you, Laura Hollis."

Laura beams at her girlfriend. "Who knew it would just take me being in a magically-induced coma for you to finally say it?"

Carmilla laughs. "You're such a dork."

"Yeah, but you love this dork." Laura pulls Carmilla in for a kiss but eventually pulls away and plops her head back onto the pillow.

"The girl just woke up from a coma. Damn, woman, give her some space," LaF retorts with a grin.

Carmilla rolls her eyes.

"Let's get her some food," Perry suggests. She shoos everyone out of the room.

"That might be her new role in the group," Carmilla comments. "Kicking everyone out of the room when we have our epic reunions."

Laura laughs.

They sit in a comfortable silence for a few moments.

"Carm?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not really planning on running one day, are you?"

Carmilla swallows hard but shakes her head. "No, cupcake. It's kind of a knee-jerk reaction, but I won't do that to you."

Laura lets out a sigh of relief. "Now that it's real? That's what you really meant, isn't it?" Carmilla raises an eyebrow.

"I heard more than just the 'running away' part of what you said. I heard you saying that you were afraid admitting your feelings would make this whole thing real–– make the fear of losing me real. But you were also afraid that saying you love me would also mean it'd make this relationship real and that you wouldn't be able to just leave when things got tough, weren't you?"

Carmilla chuckles. "For a tiny oblivious gay human, you're not so oblivious."

"Should I go back to saying things like 'I know you're not doing this for me, but...?'" Laura asks with a giggle.

"Oh, hell no."

Laura takes her hand in hers. "So you'll stay."

"Yes, I'll stay," Carmilla answers without hesitation. "I'll stay, and I love you. Any questions?"

"Yeah." Laura's smile turns mischievous. "Is the door locked?"

Carmilla smirks. "Buttercup, I wasn't sure I'd be able to love you anymore than I did, but I was wrong."