I Lost My Chance...

7:||Grief

\\tw: character angst, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of abuse,  deep thoughts of loss written by a writer with experience...//

<<1POV! Nightmare >>

It's been about a month, the gang has just returned from the hardest thing I have ever had to go to: Killer's funeral. My heart fucking aches, my head fucking aches... EVERYTHING FUCKING ACHES. I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING BUT I DIDN'T. 

Dare I say it, this has made me suicidal, but never would I ever take action. It doesn't prevent the thoughts, though. I'm so grieved and guilty... I just wanted somebody to love, and I was sure some day, Killer would be the one. 

And I though Lady Fate was dead. From beyond the grave, she must not want me to have a happy ending. Do I deserve it? Actually, not really. Me? The king of negativity, nightmares, fear... A happy ending? True love? Funny. So funny I am unable to hold back a bitter laugh. I'm clutching my sides as I fall onto the floor in a cold, depressed fit of laughter. 

"Nightmare, you fucking idiot, why have you not fucking killed yourself at this point?"

Dream... 

It's Dream that's keeping me alive. 

And Error. He brought me out of my hardest hour, and it would hurt him if he saw me give up. 

I have to hold on for them. They're all I have after this heavy loss. Killer meant so much to me, but he would never know, wherever he might be now. 

I pick myself up and trudge over to my bed before flopping down. The warm sheets and soft mattress welcome me like the comforting arms of a family member, friend, or lover. 

Dammit. Probably shouldn't have thought that word. The mere sound of it triggered memories of who I wanted to be with more than anyone in the world. 

Oh. 

He's dead now. I just got back from his funeral and everything. There was no use acting tough as always. Out of any of the attendees, I cried the hardest. Anyone could tell you that. I hope wherever Killer is now... That he's watching me and knows how much I loved him. No matter what he thought I felt, I really loved him. 

This is so incredibly hard for me that now I know exactly how people feel when they lose a loved one. It just feels as if your whole world is breaking. Everything is breaking and it causes you to feel lost. 

And you remember day by day that... 

THEY. WON'T. COME. BACK. 

I haven't been able to stop the thoughts, memories, dreams... Everything hurts. I can't stop thinking about that alone. Whenever I see something that reminds me of him, my world shatters. 

Tomorrow, Error and I will be going through his room. Just the two of us, alone, so that if I end up having a breakdown, the others won't have to see me, and it'll just be Error. 

I try to pull myself together and walk myself over to the grand bookshelf that took up an entire wall of my massive bedroom. After choosing a book that would certainly NOT improve my mood in the least, I walk back to my bed and sit down. I'm prepared to lose focus and cry all over the sheets. Feeling negative emotions such as these is intense as hell for me particularly. 

I do, in fact, lose focus and grab my phone, scrolling through old messages from Killer. Everything seems so unreal... 

Then, a thought strikes me. Knowing he will never see it, I build up the courage to send a message I never would have sent if he COULD have read and responded to it. 

💞ᴋɪʟʟs~ 

ᴍᴏɴᴅᴀʏ, ᴊᴀɴ. 7 4:08 ᴘ. ᴍ. 

ʙᴏss, ɪᴍ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ sᴏʀʀʏ ɪ sᴄʀᴇᴡᴇᴅ ᴜᴘ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍɪssɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ, ᴀʟʀɪɢʜᴛ? ᴘʟᴇᴀsᴇ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʜᴜʀᴛ ᴍᴇ, ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ sᴏ ᴍᴀɴʏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ sᴄᴀʀs ᴀʟʟ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ᴍʏ ʙᴏᴅʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʏ ʜᴜʀᴛ... 

ᴋɪʟʟᴇʀ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀssʜᴏʟᴇ. ɪ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ʜᴜʀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ, ʙᴜᴛ ɪ sᴡᴇᴀʀ ᴛᴏ ᴀsɢᴏʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ sᴜᴄʜ ᴀ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ғᴀɪʟᴜʀᴇ. 

ʙᴏss. ɪᴍ sᴏ sᴏʀʀʏ... 

ᴛᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ, ғᴇʙ. 6 5:38 ᴘ. ᴍ. 

ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ, ᴋɪʟʟᴇʀ... 💔