Sidelines || MxM

I'm Not Him

Content Warning: This chapter contains sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.

Jackson

"So answer me. Why me, Jackson?" A single tear escaped Ethan's eye, tracing a path down his cheek, smearing a bit of the glitter beside his eye. I had seen guys cry before, sure, but those were tears shed in frustration on the football field or in pain from a physical injury.

This was different, deeply personal.

Fuck.

I felt like trash. Guilt twisted in my stomach, acknowledging the irrational pull I felt towards Ethan, knowing that we were just strangers and he was just the tutor guy, and I was just the jock, the senator's son. That I'm feeling jealous all over again because of the guy called Derek. It was illogical, this feeling, considering I had no claim over Ethan, no right to feel anything.

When Mike threw that curveball my way, asking if I liked Ethan, my world had tilted on its axis. All my life, I've known who I am and what I want. I've been straight, no question about it. Or at least, I thought so. The idea of liking another guy never crossed my mind—until Ethan. And now, my relationship with Hannah felt like another chain I had unknowingly wrapped around myself.

The truth hit hard.

I didn't know how to respond.

Then, Mike came up with this plan. It sounded kind of desperate. The plan was to keep Leo busy because, according to Mike, Leo's really protective over Ethan. He did not know the extent of it, so Mike's plan seemed like a shot in the dark, trying to give me a moment alone with Ethan. But having Leo in the mix made everything more complicated.

Standing there, with the soft hum of the party outside already faded, enveloping us in a cocoon of privacy. The room, dimly lit by a single lamp, cast warm, golden hues across the walls, highlighting the chaos of the owner's room. There, I was questioning everything again. I was scared, even, and I realized this wasn't just about needing a tutor or about proving something to Coach Williams, to my father, or even to myself.

I swallowed hard. "I've been asking myself the same question. Ethan, I'm not going to lie and say I have all the answers," I said, feeling the weight of my own words. When I looked at Ethan, hoping to see some kind of understanding or maybe even acceptance, his gaze shifted away from mine. It wasn't a big move, but it was enough to tell me he was wrestling with this.

"I've never been in this situation before," I continued. "I've never felt this pull towards anyone, let alone a guy. It scares me, not because of what people might think—I don't fucking care about that—but because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to be just another regret in your life."

The room felt smaller, the silence between us stretching. But it was in this silence that I found the courage to say what needed to be said.

"Ethan, I'm not asking you to decide anything right now. I'm just asking for the chance to be your friend, at least. With no expectations, no labels. And yes, because I need your help, and I don't want anybody else but you."

His eyes searched mine. "And about the past, about Derek... I can't change what happened to you, but I can promise you this—I'm not him."

Reaching out, I took Ethan's hands in mine, feeling the coolness of his skin against my warmth. With my other hand, I reached up slowly, almost hesitantly, to brush away the tear that had trailed down his cheek, smearing the glitter beside his eye. His breath hitched at the touch.

"I...this is..." Ethan started, his voice trailing off. There was fear there, yes, but also something else—hope, maybe, or even the beginning of trust.