Total Drama Invitational Insanity

chapter 8. real eyes, realize.

//tw; self harm, death, mentions of suicide//

again another murder. nothing done to prevent these murders anymore. I cant. its only a matter of time before.. STOP IT!

 I rubbed my eyes. I checked my watch and it was 4:21 am.  I brushed my hair and tiptoed out of bed. I didn't want anyone hearing me so i went quietly. 

Crap.

 I covered my mouth as the sound of the wood floor being pressed down by my foot made a noise. Leshawna rubbed her eyes, then turned the other way towards the wall. Phew. I then went out careless if i would be I would be dragged by my legs and brutally murdered. The shy shined a warmer light gray, the grass looked nearly dead.  

 I entered the empty dull bathroom. There still lied Noah's lifeless head. Shivers went down my spine as I hesitantly picked it up trying to move it.  I didnt know what to do with it at this point. I placed it down in the corner of the room, then looked in the mirror at my unbrushed, messy hair, my skin starting to turn pale, and the huge bags under my eyes. After I was done in the bathroom I didn't go to the cafeteria. 

I briefly went into my cabin and took out a small, bright teal case from by bag. I tried to quickly get out of the cabin as i tried not the make the same mistake as last time. I then went back to the bathroom. When I got to the bathroom, I tried to make it quick because i couldnt afford to get caught. Everyone would try to get a minute alone with me. To ask if I was feeling okay. To try to make me feel like they were a hero trying to save me. To then ask everyone to go easy on me, mentioning the thing I didn't want the whole world to know, but I didn't want that. They'd say they care and how they know how I'd feel, but in reality, they wouldn't give a darn about my feelings. 

I unzipped the caze and took out a sharp little knife. I couldnt bare going through this lifestyle anymore and nothing could make me feel good about it. this cruddy lifestyle. I was hesitant at first, but i remembered I had to be quick. I was ready I tried to start but the fear of it hurting got in the way. I did this a few more times before stopping to think if I really wanted this. I was about to give up but the sudden "yes" in my head stopped me. I suddenly impaled the knife in my arm. I covered my mouth with my other hand out of pain. When I pulled the knife from my arm it hurt even more. my arm was exposing a bright, vivid red. Then I struck again, then again. Each time the pain hurt even less than the last. It hurt but it kind of felt not that bad ( if that makes sense) I was kind of enjoying myself for a bit until I heard faint footsteps getting slightly louder each time. I quickly bandaged myself and pretended to be applying makeup, luckily I was wearing a long sleeve pajama top so it wouldn't be noticeable. The door creaked open. It was Eva. 

"Hey Eva!" I waved trying to greet her nicely. I figured it was more important to put my feelings behind from last season and at least try to make friends with people that weren't my friend before. To be honest I was (kind of) scared of her too.

"Hi." she mumbled in a low quiet voice. wow Noah's death must've really hit her hard, but to be honest, I dont blame her considering the situation were in.

She really looks on the verge of crying.

"Hey, just know its know its not your fault that hes dead." 

                                    ^

                                     |

That is what I would've said, but I didn't want to start anything and sometimes you want to be left alone, and I respect that. 

"Hey. Do I look like i've been crying or something?" She glanced towards me.

"W-what?" Is what I managed to mutter out. yeouch.

"Did I stutter. Do I?"

"I-I mean you do, b-buh-but-" I was cut off. man. why does everyone have to cut me off?

"Okay." she blinked roughly somehow. yeesh, that was scary.

So uhm. For a little more I sat deep in thought what would happen if she had caught me. All I know is that it wouldn't end good. It would be terrible! Everyone swarming me and trying to reassure me everything would be okay when it wasn't! Then I starting wondering about my family, my mom and my dad, what would they think? I didn't want them to worry! I felt the tears coming, I held them back though, just wait a little longer..  I didn't want to be on this island anymore. I can't stand it. I cant do. this! I felt worn out so I tried looking for a better topic to think about, it took me about 20 seconds or so to realize there was no good, one of my best friends had died, it felt like Leshawna was ghosting me, and Dj was too busy to do anything. I also felt like Geoff as treating this situation too lightly. I of course couldnt judge a book by its cover but he seems so happy! When someone dies, it doesn't take him long to stop mourning and just. Forget about it..! I just.. dont get it. Why? I also wondered off to Gwen, she was always talking about death and stuff. When they asked me to keep it a secret a few days ago, I did. This island  is seriously 'censored' up that it would make someone want to kill themselves. And I felt ashamed for just standing there, not knowing what to say or trying to prevent it. She tried to plan her own suicide, but I guess someone else got to her first. Whoever is killing innocent children deserves to 'censored' kill their self.

Anyways after sitting on the bathroom shower bench and being lost in thought for a little longer, I finally went back to the cabin to get my regular clothes and towel. This time I was less cautious of my surrounding because they were starting to wake up. Dang. How long was I in there?

okay. for the I think for the 3rd or 4th time, I went back to the bathroom. while taking off my clothes i felt the jab in my arm from me cutting it, ow.

After showering, I put on my regular clothes hoping nobody would notice the bandage on my forearm poking out of my sleeve. When I went back to the cabins, all the girls were still in bed so i just sat on my bed and started to read some random book sierra mentioned to me yesterday or something. "the amazing legend of the buff superstar 1; the school drought"Is this a kids book? I asked by the title in my head. Anyways surprisingly it was a chapter book. This book is kinda weird I thought as I read the first two chapters. A justin bieber lookalike who had all the girls swarming who choose this one girl who always got bullied who he saved like 3 times already. Ew.