Millie has always had her heart's desires fulfilled - a cozy home and supportive parents. However, her paradise is about to shatter as she is uprooted to a vaguely familiar town to start new with her aunt.
In this somewhat unfamiliar setting, she c...
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⚘ Millie ⚘
The first thing I did this morning was look for my journal. I haven't laid hands on my journal since before the accident. I had memories there that I don't think I want to relive. The good memories have become the most haunting, and that hurts me to the core. I never expected there to be a time in life where I had to try and remember my parents. Life doesn't last forever, but their lives were far from over, and I hate that one day I'll be remembering them longer than I knew them.
I don't know how long I've been looking for, because I lost track of time a while ago, but I shoved the random papers back into the box I pulled out from under my bed and closed the top, pushing it back under. This was pointless, I don't even remember if I brought it with me in my suitcase, or if one of the packing people packed it when they brought the rest of my stuff from LA. For all I know, it could've been thrown out a while ago.
Hopelessness is a feeling I've begun to feel familiar with. Something that shouldn't be a big deal is always such a big deal to me, and if I can't fix it then I feel hopeless. I don't like feeling that way, I don't think anyone enjoys feeling that way. I can't get rid of the feeling, and it seems like it's all I've been able to feel since my parents passed away.
Being here in Beacon Hills has improved my mental health, but I don't think there will ever be a time when my heart's fully at peace until I learn to deal with the pain. And there's no better way to deal with it than writing it out; re-living the heartache. It'll take a while to heal and be able to deal with everything I've been through, but right now I need to focus on loving right now. I need to be in the moment and experience now.
I grabbed my paint supplies from my closet and laid everything out on the floor of my bedroom. I'm not in the mood to paint, but I'm feeling inspired. Not only that, but I have a lot on my mind, but I'm not sure if the stuff on my mind is good enough to be on a canvas. My mind is an extremely dark place. I don't want it to be that way. It'd be a blessing from heaven if my mind was happy. I want to be happy, and that only seems to be possible when I'm with people. It's hard when I rely on others to make me happy because not everyone is able to hang out.
I'm not saying I shouldn't hang out with people, so I can learn to deal with the pain. I'm saying I can't only hang out with people to ignore the pain. So, I need to balance the both of them.
I look at the blank canvas and realize I'm getting nowhere, so I pick the supplies back up and shove them back into the closet. I need to experience life, so I'm able to explore ideas. Eli and I hang out a lot and I don't hate that or want to stop doing that but sometimes we both want to do our own thing and that's fine. He's been with his teammates a lot lately doing extra practices and team building, so I can't keep him from doing something he's capable of becoming amazing at.
I'm not used to be alone though. I always had my parents by my side through everything. Back home friends wasn't really an option because I was always busy with schoolwork, but I still always had my parents. Now that they're gone I don't know what to do with myself. And when Eli's gone I feel a different type of loneliness.
