Listen to the Water | FULL SERIES | Wattys 2022 Shortlist | ✔

(27) Taiki: Both or None

I approach Yaz when we wake up the next afternoon. She's talking with Casin like she often does in the morning: I think they plan out where we're going and what kinds of dangers we might face, but they always hit a point where they glance at the rest of us and then hide their signs. I think they talk about all of us, too.

Yaz pauses the conversation when she sees me approaching. "What's up?" she signs.

"Are you free to talk today?"

"Depends. What about?"

I twist my hands together. There's no easy way to say this, and a part of me is still uncomfortable saying it in front of Casin. Even if she's been nothing but polite to me, and has helped me with fight-training two times now. She doesn't share an identity with me and Yaz, and I still feel weird about alluding to it.

"About my tribe," I sign at last. "I've been thinking of going back to them."

"As you are, or undercover?"

Half Karu. "I don't know. That's what I want to ask. But also... I want to tell them about the Singer. And maybe Andalua. But also ask if they want to hide in the stone forest, if they're comfortable. If I can convince them."

"Ah."

I try to gauge her response, but it's almost impossible. All the Network Kels in Underfarrow are good at keeping their faces neutral, guarding their expressions with everyone except each other. They act completely different with each other. If Yaz still guards her expression around me, it means I'm not part of that group yet. I want so badly to change that.

"Can it wait?" she signs at last. "That's not a conversation I want to have without Finika."

I stare at her, catch myself, and force myself to look away. I doubt it's any more subtle, but my face is burning with the surprise of the answer, even as my body flushes cold. "Why?" I sign.

"Because we'll be talking about explaining Karu identity, for one." She gives me a wry smile. "But also because you're taking on a big task with all that, and I want a second opinion."

"Finika specifically?"

"If there's a problem with that, you likely won't get me, either."

That stings me. She's not even giving me an option, and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about that. Yaz is normally so easygoing.

"This isn't something I compromise on," she signs, as though reading my mind. "If you want to ask me about bringing a contested identity to a people who may not take it well, you get both of us, or neither."

I'd guessed she and Finika were close, but this is a lot closer than I was anticipating. "Why?" I sign again, because I genuinely want to know. Then I realize that sounds like I'm trying to contest her, and add quickly, "I mean, okay. I really want to talk to you, so I'd rather talk to both of you than neither. But..."

I don't actually know how to phrase this in a way that doesn't sound like I'm trying to wriggle out of talking to Finika. I don't actually mind talking to Finika. He's Karu, and he's nice. But Yaz has also continued to resist saying anything about him or their connection to one another, and if I'm being honest, it's started to frustrate me a little. It feels like such an important part of her that she's still hiding from me, even as I tell her so many of my own secrets in return.

Yaz, at least, seems to understand what I'm trying to say. "Because I can't speak to your situation without telling some of my story, and I can't tell my story without Finika. There are reasons; I won't say them here. Also because Fin and I have been through... a lot together, for a very long time, and he's the person whose opinion I trust and value more than anyone else in the world. Especially on this kind of thing."