Torturing Tsukasa Tenma Because His Jester 4* Didn't Come Home When I Pulled

DAY ONE: March 11

The day I pulled. Current crystal count as of now: 3600
PULLS LEFT: 7
Todays Torture Method: Child Neglect.

Starting off easy.
————

You know, I don't think I ever actually realized how bad my childhood was.

Do you think it's fucked up that I dumb it down? That I pretend that it doesn't affect me that much, just because I don't think about it a lot? Because in reality, I don't think that's how it works.

My childhood affected me. It really did.

It's the reason why I am who I am today. If my childhood was different, maybe I wouldn't have been with you all on stage, waving at the audience.

Seeing all these children with their families, their mothers and fathers makes me jealous.

My parents are not bad people. Don't make that assumption, please. I love my parents.

But sometimes I wish they were there more.

They weren't there for a lot of things, actually.

Why do you think that is?

..

Well, it's because they focused on Saki all the time. It was always about Saki. My beloved sister.

Of course, she isn't to blame for all this. Nobody is at fault, nobody is to blame.

But when does the reason become the blame? What line does it have to cross? How far do we have to dig for it to become the fault, the blame?

Are they the same thing? Do they have different meanings?

I don't know. I don't like thinking about this.

Look, there's a family right there.

Smiling, laughing. Look at their children.

Happy.

Not alone.

Not having to face the fear of death at such a young age. Not having to watch their sibling fight for their life in a hospital against their own body.

I can't even begin to imagine how painful that must have been for Saki. I don't want to think about it.

Every time I get jealous that Saki got more attention from our parents, I can't help but get angry at myself.

There was a reason for it. She was sick. She had to be taken care of.

I wasn't.

I was fine.

..

No.

No, that was a lie.

I wasn't fine.

"Are you coming home now-?"

"Sorry sweetie, but I can't. Are you able to be by yourself for a little longer?"

..Oh.

"Of course I can! I'm a star, after all!!"

"Hehe, you're such a big boy~ well, dinner is in the fridge, you can just hear it up, alright? Daddy's going to come home at around 9, ok?"

I had nodded. Of course I was fine.

I HAD to be fine. If I wasn't, then that meant I wasn't a good person. I wasn't a good big brother.

The phone turned off. I set it down, blinking back the tears from my eyes.

"Stop it.."

Angrily, I rubbed my eyes, sniffing. Why was I crying? I couldn't cry- big boys don't cry! They're strong! They can handle being alone, right?!

Wrong.

I still cried. On the couch, I curled up into a small ball, quietly sobbing to myself as I clutched a pillow.

Why was I so weak? I was supposed to be able to handle this.

I was a big boy.

Big boys don't cry.

They were strong. They didn't spend time crying because they were alone.

Because- their parents didn't care enough for him.

And it went like that.

For years.

Again, and again, and again.

I would have loved to have parents that would spend their time with their son on their birthday.

Who would attend their son's graduation. Christmas concert, school play.

Why weren't they there?

Why were they always there for Saki?

It was always Saki. Saki, Saki, Saki.

Never me.

It should have been me. It should have been US.

Two kids, two parents.

They could have split it. They could have hired a babysitter, even.

But no.

How come you immediately resort to the last option? Leaving your child alone for years on end, forcing him to learn all these things himself, and not have the comfort of a parental figure beside him?

Why was it always Saki?

For once, why couldn't it have been me?

Fuck.

I'm getting jealous again.

Something tells me that I'm missing something. I don't like it.

Like there's.. this empty feeling in my chest. A hole in my chest, constantly growing at eating me up from the inside.

Have I always felt like that?

Strange.

Maybe I should go to sleep.

..Thanks for listening, Rui. I appreciate it.

...

Oh.

Okay.

Bye.

..

Why didn't you comfort me?