Different similarities

Chapter 15

TW: Attempted suicide.

June 24th.

Jean's Pov:

To breathe is to live. I haven't felt like breathing for a long time now. She was one of the reasons why I wanted to. To live and to breathe and to love. How hard I had to fight with my inner self to eventually give in...

I was standing in my favourite spot with a beautiful landscape, my favourite tree and that new bench. My past surrounded me. What was my life a year before now? Everything and everyone were left behind, because the death of the people I loved hurt crucially, to the point I wished I was dead as well.

It's strange to think what can a thing such as death make you feel. Death comes when you least expect it to, leaving a mark on your being, wavering thoughts and memories flooding hurting you even more. Unanswered questions that will never be answered. What could I have done more? Regrets that will never be reversed into action. I wish I had stayed by their side a little more...

Stars were shining already and it was dark. The pills in my hand patiently waited for me to end it right there. They were all kinds of different, one part of me wanted to throw them out and call Kaya. However, the side that controlled my movements was the one wishing for the pain to end, wishing to see my parents again, to hug my mom and feel their warmth yet again.

The pills. Most of them painkillers and sleeping ones. When combined with alcohol they were fatal and induced overdosing. Yes, I did my research. Yes, I know what should happen. I couldn't lie to myself - I was scared, but not of what would happen. Death only seemed as a beginning of something far more peaceful than the life here, on earth. Although it will be as sharp as a knife to the ones I love here and now. I

I'm sorry.

I didn't believe in God but in the last few seconds of making the final decision, I hoped He was there and would understand. I wished that He who died for us all would forgive me and look after those I loved.

Did I write the letter? To explain my reasons, to wish farewell? I didn't.

I selfishly swallowed the pills.

Did I want to do it? To die? Unanswered questions.

"I did it," I thought. What a coward.

As I lay on the grass I felt even more pain, however, it swallowed my inner desire of not wanting to be here. Soon, I was sweating harder than I thought I would. My head was spinning and something heavy was placed on my chest. I didn't feel enough air, everything surrounding me felt like poison. I lost track of time. How long have all of these things tortured me until I managed to get up and search for someone? I didn't want to die.

What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?

What was I thinking...

What was I...

What was...

What...

...

I remember I was in front of the school when someone light bumped into me, causing all the papers in my hand to scatter around. She who bumped into me had many similar features to the girl I met one summer while visiting my grandparents. I looked her up and down when she helped me get everything up. Then, I made an excuse, I had to find the class. I passed many corridors and many people, that couldn't keep their eyes where they were needed to.

When I found the classroom I was already late, the bell rang. The sweet teacher made me introduce myself to the whole class and that was when I met her again. The girl who bumped into me. She was focused on what was happening outside rather than here, right now. My eyes were all over her, trying to attract her attention to me. I had to pick a seat and that was when I noticed another familiar face. Tobio. He was my childhood buddy, our grandparents used to be best friends. It was pleasant to reconnect with him, since we met again a week ago, just when I moved in. I greeted him, both of us happy. When I chose the seat next to him I also noticed the girl before me. I quietly asked Tobio who was she. Before he could answer this question, the teacher started talking. Surprisingly she made the whole class introduce themselves.