In The Grave But Still Alive

LOST

{MO'S POV}

As I got back home I stumbled inside as my entire body was consumed in tremors. I fucked up. I knew I had. I fell to my knees in the living room erupting into sobs. I pulled a lighter and cigarette out of my purse and lit it. I got myself situated and sat cross cross on the floor inhaling the smoke. I shakily pulled my phone out and clicked on the message icon. I had to text him, probably not smart but whatever.

              "You really hurt my fucking feelings tonight. I cannot believe you actually yelled at me! What the fuck?! ~Mo. <3"

In a matter of mere seconds my phone buzzed signaling a text has come through. I was already pulled up on his messages I looked down and read it.

         "Fuck you Mo. are you serious right now? You literally came up to us to literally get someone to leave and do what the fuck ever with you. You saw with your own two fucking eyes we were in a conversation with people. Are you that fucking insensitive!! -Chris"

         "So you yell, you yelled at me and basically told me to fuck off... ~Mo <3"

         "MO YOU ARE A FUCKING LEECH!! All you do is suck up to whom ever so you can get  attention and the second it's not on you you fucking flip shit snd make everything always about poor fucking Mo. I'm embarrassed that I actually had a fucking crush on you. You're such a fucking who're Jesus Christ. Leave me alone leech!!! -Chris"

I stared down at his words as they burned and dug deep. I never meant to be a parasite... my hands held my phone as I shook and my vision blurred. Tying my damnest to type.

           "Got it. I'll leave you all alone ~Mo </3"

With that I sent my phone down and got up and made my way to the studio. If they want me to leave I'll go out with a fucking bang. I gathered myself and my purse throwing my phone in and walking out the door. I didn't even bother closing it. Why should it. There's nothing to steal and what more damage could possibly be done that wasn't already done by Russ. I headed to the side on the trailer and pulled a tarp off my Honda Rebel 500 mat gunpowder black motorcycle. I sat on it and cranked it. I smiled to myself as I heard it purr. There's a lot the guys didn't know about me and this is one of them. They just always thought I didn't have a vehicle cause I chose to walk. This isn't exactly stealthy to get away from a drunk psycho. But now. Hello baby I'm sorry mommy abandoned you. As I revved my bike I began my journey to the studio. I wizzed down street sand back alleys enjoying the wind in my hair.

After a 45 minute ride I found my way in front of the studio and hopped off my bike. I dug around in my purse for my keys to unlock the front door. As I grabbed them and slid the key into the slot I slowly unlocked the door. As I stepped in i started knocking everything off the walls as I made my way to the booth.  I stepped in and looked around sighing loudly and unsteadily. I looked over the controls and pressed record. I sniffled doing so know it picked up on and that's the first thing they'll hear from me.

"Since I'm not wanted and just a. Leech I'll leave you one thing to remember me by." I took a deep breath I started to sing.

"When you get older, plainer, saner
Will you remember all the danger
We came from?
Burning like embers, falling, tender
Longing for the days of no surrender
Years ago
And will you know

So smoke 'em if you got 'em
'Cause it's going down
All I ever wanted was you
I'll never get to heaven
'Cause I don't know how

Let's raise a glass or two
To all the things I've lost on you
Oh-oh
Tell me are they lost on you?
Oh-oh
Just that you could cut me loose
Oh-oh
After everything I've lost on you
Is that lost on you?

Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Is that lost on you?
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh
Baby, is that lost on you?
Is that lost on you?

Wish that I could see the machinations
Understand the toil of expectations
In your mind
Hold me like you never lost your patience
Tell me that you love me more than hate me
All the time
And you're still mine

So smoke 'em if you got 'em
'Cause it's going down
All I ever wanted was you
Let's take a drink of heaven
This can turn around

Let's raise a glass or two
To all the things I've lost on you
Oh-oh
Tell me are they lost on you?
Oh-oh
Just that you could cut me loose
Oh-oh
After everything I've lost on you
Is that lost on you?

Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Is that lost on you?
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh
Baby, is that lost on you?
Is that lost on you?

Let's raise a glass or two
To all the things I've lost on you
Oh-oh
Tell me are they lost on you?
Oh-oh
Just that you could cut me loose
Oh-oh
After everything I've lost on you
Is that lost on you?
Is that lost on you?"

As I finished the last word I erupted into sobs and pressed stop on the record. I stepped out of the booth and closed the door. On the see through glass wall I took my red lipstick and wrote "press play"  and I messily applied the lipstick to my lips and leaned over and kissed the glass next to my words. I turned on  heels and whipped my eyes smearing my makeup everywhere and took a seat on the couch. Countless memories danced in my skull as I sat there motionless and distraught I pulled my drug bag out and opened it. I pulled the loaded syringe out and flicked the body of the needle I shook my head slightly not believing what I was about to do to myself. I have lost everything. I slapped my arm a little and looked for a decent sized vein, I found one and slowly inserted the needle and pumped my blood stream with sweet sweet drugs. My entire body became warm and like my insides bathed in warm honey. My eyes began to flutter as a smile crept its way on to my lips. I felt heavy but cloudy and light all at once. I slowly rose from my spot on the couch whipping away some blood the trickled down my arm. I grabbed my things and made my way slowly back to the front door. I locked it back up and rested against the cool brick wall taking out a cigarette and lighting it and taking an inhale. I breathed the smoke out slowly as I ran my fingers through my hair sloppily. I felt so happy on the inside my mind became numb and quiet. I stayed there in the chilly Pennsylvania night air until I sobered up a little bit before I got on my bike. I checked my phone to see that two hours passed by me in what only seemed to be a few seconds. I ruffled my hair and mounted my bike and started the engine before peeling out of the parking lot.

On my way back I drove by Chris' house to see two cars in the drive way. I nodded my head.
Wow Mo way to make yourself feel like more shit!!! Well.... At least they will be walking into a surprise tomorrow. And I will be long long gone. I left my fuck you goodbye note.