My Shy Alpha (MxM)

Ch 12

I forced my embarassment away, clearing my throat and silently willing my burning cheeks to cool down.

"It may surprise you Hamish but I..." how was i supposed to say such a thing? How could i say it in such a way to not cause offense or hurt?

In recent years names and labels have been created, to have a word to describe how i feel and the way i am helped me accept and further understand myself.

I was Demi-sexual. I didn't experience sexual attraction without a deep emotional bond. To me sex was something so intimate, to let someone inside you, to fully bare yourself and be at their mercy wasn't something to be done lightly.

In my younger years i often thought something was wrong with me. I did desire to be in a relationship, i had a few fleeting crushes, i found people attractive, wanted to be kissed, to be touched, but the thought of going all the way terrified me.

My reluctance to take part in the mating season wasn't merely out of fear, my mind just wasn't wired to be comfortable being so intimate with someone i didn't know.

I liked Hamish, that was true, he was cute and sweet and my omega side loved the idea of being with an alpha such as Hamish.

My body and my mind were often in discordance, i had all these instincts, these needs but my mind didn't give them direction.

I suppose i took to Hamish so quickly because i felt that we could form an emotional bond? We... clicked in a way.

I saw Hamish as physically attractive that was true, but the growing wants of my secondary gender as the season approached could cause some confusion.

I reacted as any omega would around an alpha they were compatable with, giving the impression of sexual attraction even though there was none.

I liked his touch, how he made me feel but my mind rarely went to sex. Sexual pleasure was something i'd only ever experienced alone and sometimes, like during my heat, i saw it as a curse.

The few short weeks until the season officially started i needed to bond with Hamish, not just so my omega side was calm, but so i could enjoy the experience.

I worried i would ruin it for Hamish if i acted dispassionate.

The toys in my season box were a means to an end, a tool to scratch an annoying itch.

Hamish was a person, he had feelings, emotions, wants of his own.

The next two months wouldn't be about scratching an itch.

I would get intimately close with Hamish, closer than i'd ever been with anyone. I'd bare myself to him, not just physically but emotionally too.

We'd experience things together for the first time and learn what it truly meant to be alpha and omega.

I sighed softly and gazed unseeingly at my room, eyes open but not focused on anything. "I'm Demi-sexual. I don't experience sexual attraction without a strong emotional bond."

I steeled myself and met his eyes, the colour of them so beautiful, a light grey with the cool tones of blue, reminding me of the sky on a cold, wintery morning.

He'd bared himself emotionally more than once, cried freely into my chest and talked of his parents despite his grief.

I had been telling the truth before when i told him i felt there was something between us, what it would grow into i wasn't sure but i did know that i wanted to persue it.

A thoughtful look came onto his face and he nodded to himself as if my words made sense. "You don't have an overtly sexual outview on life, do you?" He gathered.