Crashing You Open \\ Reneé Rapp

Chapter 17

Jordan's POV

4 ½ years earlier

I opened my eyes to a bright white light and my parents looming over me with worried looks transforming into relieved smiles.

"What in the hell happened" I asked in a raspy voice

"You were in a car accident, but you're okay sweetheart. You have a small concussion and they had to perform surgery on your left arm as you broke a few bones and glass cut you in multiple dangerous spots" my Dad explained

My mom chimed in with tears in her eyes "the doctors keep telling us how lucky you are that you're alive, you almost bleed out multiple times from your lacerations, we're so thankful you're okay sweetie"

Wait a second... car accident... my injuries are mild... Ellie was driving... holy shit Ellie was in a car crash. I bolted upright, but immediately laid back down from the pain in my body.

"Woah Jordy, careful there, you were just in a serious accident, you have to rest" my Dad said as he laid his hands on my shoulders with concern in his eyes

"Where is Ellie? Is she okay? Why isn't she in here? IS SHE OKAY???" I started freaking the hell out

My parents had a silent conversation with their eyes before they both sat on each side of my bed; my mom grabbed my healthy hand while my dad put his hand on my shoulder.

My eyes swung side-by-side begging them to tell me what's going on; my heart was beating faster than it ever had.

"I'm so sorry honey" my mom started crying

"Ellie didn't make it Jordy, she died in the crash" my dad finally said

I let out a blood-curdling scream as my eyes clouded with tears. I take back my earlier statement, now my heart is beating faster than it ever has. Strangled sobs and screams escaped my throat as my vision became blurry, my breaths stopped coming in, and everything went black.

--,--,--,--

For the next few months, I spent every day in my bed crying, longing for my Ellie back. I couldn't sleep – everytime I shut my eyes, the crash played over and over. I could barely eat – I wasn't hungry and even when my parents forced me to, I often threw the food back up. I couldn't talk – I only communicated in the shaking on my head signaling yes or no.

I couldn't breathe.

Eventually, my parents demanded I go to therapy. I refused to speak still. They sent me to a psychiatrist who prescribed a depression medication for me.

After much denial, I finally began taking the mood-stabilizers which slowly guided me towards sleeping, eating, and speaking.

Once I was finally able to hear Ellie's name and talk about the accident without being thrown into a panic attack, my parents gave me the details; A pickup-truck ran through a red light at 60mph and T-boned us. Ellie was killed on impact as the truck crushed her side of the car.

The broken bones and sliced arteries in my arm that nearly killed me were from throwing my arm in front of Ellie.

Renee's POV

Current day

"I did everything I could have, but I still couldn't save her." Jordan sniffed "For years I wondered if I had just kept walking past the pretzel stand or been more decisive and bought a shirt, she would still be here. Changing one split second and we would have gotten home safely. We would have made it to graduation, moved out of Minnesota, and lived our lives happily – together" she said between sobs.

My heart is torn to shreds. I tried to be strong for her, but tears were streaming down my face against my will.

I continued to rub circles on the back on her hands with my thumbs, I'd grabbed them the moment she started talking. I think it was comforting both of us actually.

Jordan continued "But that's one thing Dr. Green is helping me come to terms with; I can't live in the past... I need to process it, but I can't change what happened. Picking apart the specifics of the accident won't change the outcome and it sure as hell can't help me now" she wiped at her eyes "it's easier said than done though, but eventually I'll rewire my brain to believe that"

Jordan took a deep shaky breath before adding "the other driver is in jail for vehicular manslaughter and driving under the influence"

I gasped at this. I didn't even think about the other driver... under the influence?

Jordan met my eyes, "yeah, the bastard was drunk and didn't register the light changing to red" she let out a sad huff while shaking her head "but I have to accept the fact that he is paying for his crimes, I need to work big time on getting through my anger surrounding him surviving. But first, I need to work through my own survivor's guilt and choose to be grateful that I'm still here."

I have never felt so deeply saddened for another person. Nobody deserves this pain in their life, especially not my sweet, silly, innocent Jordan.

I knew she was strong, but the fact that Jordan continued to live her life – even if this tragedy had stripped a huge amount of happiness from it – is incredibly impressive.

Jordan finally added "regardless of the fact that Ellie couldn't"

Jordan's POV

At this I was done with my story. I scooched impossibly closer to Reneé and threw my arms around her in a hug and let out a deep breath I didn't know I was holding.

The physical and emotional support from Reneé sent me into another round of water works, and I could feel her body following suit.

We cried in each other's arms for awhile before I pulled back, "That day was fucking horrible and the months following are honestly a blur; I don't even remember her funeral or walking across the graduation stage with her picture to collect our diplomas. Everything was covered with a cloud of depression and regret. I'm grateful for the time I did have with her though - that I won't forget a minute of"

Reneé grabbed my hands again and stroked the back of them with her thumbs, "I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say honestly, but I'm so grateful you're alive and I'm beyond sorry that Ellie isn't" she put her finger under my chin, lifting my head so I'd meet her eyes "I'm incredibly proud of you for all the work you're putting in with Dr. Green; thank you for telling me about it, Ellie would be so proud"

Hearing Reneé say that sent more tears streaming down my face, this time they were more out of happiness though, her support and delicacy meant the world.

I really hope she's right. My idea of making Ellie proud has begun shifting recently.

I used to focus on honoring her memory by keeping my heart a sacred place for just Ellie – almost like a landmark – but now I know I'm actually doing a disservice to the premature ending of her life by wasting mine.

I'll never stop missing her, but it's time to move forward and fill my heart with life and love once again.

Looking at Reneé in this moment, I can't help but wonder... am I allowed to have 2 soulmates?

Author's Note:

This was a difficult chapter to write, but I really hope I did the situation justice. The story will get a bit lighter now though... at least as it relates to Jordan's grief... stay buckled in though ;)

Vote and comment I beg, the comments keep me motivated!!