All For the Game Oneshots

What if I'm the Monster?

Trigger warnings: homophobia mentions, forced medication, drug addictions, suicidal (slight), mentions of murder (tilda's death) dark thoughts. Self hatred. Implied sa, Andrew's backstory but never directly said.

Title from Monster by Jorge Rivera-Herrans from epic the musical.
~~~

The pills sat on the counter taunting him. He really didn't want to take these. But when had Andrew ever gotten anything he wanted in his life?

It was his fault he had to take them. That's what everyone told him. If he hadn't gone too far, if he hadn't been a problem he wouldn't have to be on these. He wouldn't have to be high out of his mind every fucking day.

He wouldn't have to give in to the addiction. He wouldn't have to go to therapy. He wouldn't have to be reminded he could never be free.

He wouldn't be a monster.

That's what people in court called him. Monster. The families of the men he put in the hospital screamed it at him in court.

He was only seventeen but he was a monster. How fucking fitting.

The families didn't seem to care their sons were attacking his cousin, his guardian, his family. They didn't care that he was worried about losing some of the only family he had left. They didn't seem to care that his cousin was beaten because of who he loved.

Andrew was the monster because he dared to defend Nicky. He slammed hard and kept going, never stopping until multiple pigs pulled him off the men. Only then did he see Aaron's fear and Nicky's sad smile.

The pills were supposed to stop the violence. That's what the court said, that it wouldn't allow him to feel the urge of violence.

"You were right to defend your cousin, but you went too far Mr. Minyard. These pills will ensure you don't go that far again" the judge told him. Yeah right.

If only they had known how far he was willing to go for those he cared about. That he literally risked death to ensure that Aaron would never be hit by his mother again. What if they knew? Would they have said the same thing? He doubts it.

Maybe he was the monster? Maybe he was the problem? Maybe he was in the wrong?

He didn't know. He just knew he was willing to do it all again because he wouldn't allow those in his family to suffer like he suffered.

Like he continues to suffer.

Andrew picked up the pills. Dread flooded his stomach as he opened the cap. He would have to hide these from Aaron, he thought. He knew they would be too tempting.

They were smaller than he thought they would be. These were supposed to make his personality change. Make him "happy". He doesn't think they'll work. Screw that he knew it wouldn't work.

He hadn't been happy since he was seven years old. Anytime he thought he was he got a brutal reminded that he wasn't. That was life.

He took a pill out. It was strange in his hand. He hadn't had pills prescribed to him since that incident from his first year at the Spears.

Everything else he had stolen. All pills that wouldn't be missed but would give him the high he desired. He hadn't done that since he got Aaron clean.

He looked at himself in the mirror. Dead eyes stared back at him. He didn't see a monster, he just saw a ghost. He wondered if he always looked dead.

Andrew swallowed the pill before he could talk himself out of it. Drinking tap water to let it slide down his throat. It felt heavy.

It could take a little while to work, but his therapist ensured him it would in fact work the same day. He was pretty sure the was some form of witchcraft used in it. Didn't seem like that should work that way.

He continued to stare at the mirror as his thoughts went back to the night that caused all this. The men calling Nicky slurs and other horrible words. Beating his cousin for being gay.

He remembered the way he caught them by surprise and banged their heads into the ground. That he managed to do it quick enough the others didn't have time to help their buddies.

He remembered the way his smiled over the pain he caused. Maybe he was the monster then. He did enjoy making the homophobic pricks bleed.

Two hours passed with Andrew thinking about this before the pills kicked in. Thoughts began to race.

His eyes widened as his thoughts bounced from place to place. He wouldn't stop them, and fuck he tried. He didn't like this at all.

It was like his worst mental health days times ten. The way his thoughts raced and spiraled. It was nauseating.

He gripped the sink with one shaking hand and the other raised to his mouth. He swiped his thumb over his blank lips and smiled.

He laughed at the sight! Oh he hadn't seen himself smile like this. It was so stupid looking. So crazed and fake yet so real.

Finally he saw what they were saying. He looked insane! How accurate he thought, so accurate now.

He thought of the pain he caused and it was amusing really. Didn't they see how funny it was? Oh this was just perfect, he just found it funny.

They wanted him to be like this so he wouldn't be violent and alls it's doing is making him amused!

They called him a monster and that's what he became.

"I'm the monster." Andrew laughed at himself. His hazel eyes were nearly covered by his blown out pupil.

A knock at the door made him turn. He could hear his brother and cousin on the other side.

"Andrew? You okay? You've been in there a while." Nicky sounded concerned. How hilarious.

Andrew opened the door and let him see his wide smile. Nicky looked scared, confused. Aaron just stared at him. Good he didn't want them to feel anything else.

"Did you expect something else?" Andrew asked cheerfully. "They wanted me like this!"

He didn't though. Part of him begged for this to end, for three years to pass within seconds so he could be free. But the meds dazed that part, his thoughts quickly changing before the dread would build up again.

"Andrew this seems extreme." Nicky said, following Andrew as he walked away.

Andrew shrugged but still walked away. He was just acting how he was supposed to. He remembered his family begging him to speak and now he would! Oh the days of being silent were over.

It was intoxicating.

"Oh so extreme. This will be fun."

No one else saw the way his cheerful smile turned darker. He was a monster but one kept on a leash from the pills. He intended to find a way to get away from it.

Even if it meant breaking some rules.