Just Pretend

Chapter 35 - We Brought Snacks

The red lights glaze over my eyes as I stand at the side of the stage. I'm trying to be present, to be supportive but I'm checked out.

It's a really bizarre feeling mourning the loss for someone that you didn't really know. It's like I have no right to be upset, to feel the way I do no matter how many times Noah tells me that it's okay for me to feel the way I feel.

"Mar..." Noah says my name as he stands in front of me.

"Yeah?" I didn't even realise they'd finished.

"We're going now baby, come on." Noah takes my hand and guides me towards the rest of the group.

I haven't cried since yesterday when we were outside of the restaurant. Everyone seems to be treading on eggshells around me and I hate it. I never told them what the call was about but they knew whatever it was had upset me. The tone of the day completely changing once we joined the table again after that phone call. I want it to go back to how it was before I got that call yesterday. All of it.

I can't stop my mind from going to that place of thinking what things would be like if she wasn't the way she was. Would she be a good parent? Would she have been a good friend? Would she have done everything she wanted to if she hadn't been the way she was?

"Babe do you wanna get something to eat or do you wanna just go straight back to the hotel?" Noah asks me.

"I just wanna go, please." I feel bad. The boys are all buzzing from their set and honestly here is the last place I want to be. "You stay. Have fun babe."

"Woah no. You're not going alone. I'm coming with you." Noah quickly answers then runs over to Nick as I grab my jacket and bag, Noah beside me seconds later. "Let's go." He takes my hand in his and we head for the exit. 

We walk back to the hotel hand in hand. People see us, a couple stop and take photos of us from a distance but I don't care, neither does Noah. We walk quickly in silence, Noah gives everyone a "Fuck Off" stare if they get too close until we make it back to the hotel.

"Babe, head on up. I'll be a second." Noah hands me the hotel key and I do as he says making my way straight up to the room.

It's not until I'm taking my shoes off I realise why Noah's stayed downstairs to speak to the hotel staff. We never leave immediately after a show, we loiter around tidying up and putting things away. We either get straight on the bus and head to the hotel that way. If we're going out we mostly get an Uber to wherever we're going or back to the hotel.  If we do ever walk it's much later after the shows ended and everyone's dressed in something different to what they were wearing onstage. Dark clothes, sunglasses, hats, caps etc. We've essentially guided fans to where we're staying.

A light knock on the door stops my thoughts and I get up to look through the keyhole, seeing Noah on the other side.

"Baby it's just me. Open the door." He whispers as I unlock the door.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't think. I just wanted to leave." I say as the door closes behind Noah.

"Hey, I know. it's okay." Noah reassures me. "Why don't we grab a shower and get into bed?"

"That sounds perfect." I reply making my way to the bathroom Noah closely behind me.

He flicks on the shower as I undress and I step under the water letting it wash over me. Noah gets in minutes later the water flows over both of us, he wraps his arms around me pulling me into him and I suddenly can't stop the tears from falling.

"It feels so wrong for me to be upset. I just keep thinking how different it could have turned out. How different her life could have been. Addictions a horrible disease and I know she did some really fucking awful things but I can't help but think maybe if  she had gotten help things could have been better for her..." I ramble at Noah who holds me close and listens to every word that leaves my lips. "Like I won't miss her. I never loved her but I'm sad for her. I'm sad for my grandparents and the kids. I'm sad the person that made my life has had their own life come to an end. It was such a waste of a life..." I'm sobbing even harder, gasping for air as the water falls.