Unforgotten Words • Jenlisa ✔

You

I could never forget you. 

You, the word that could be anyone I refer to, because unless there's an apocalypse and only one human being left on Earth, there will always be a 'you.' And you, you. The one where I, Lalisa Manoban, say that as far as I can control my memory, I will never forget.

I'm a chocoholic, everyone who knows me, even those who just think they do, knows that. Chocolate on my palate is the sweetest sweet in the world. And I grew up thinking there was nothing sweeter, until I kissed you. Your lips taste better than chocolate, and you know that for me to admit that means I know what I'm talking about. But I don't want anyone to prove my point of view — don't you dare — this favorite sweet is just mine, no one else's. 

Do you remember when we used to dream about our own fairy tales? Will we live a love worthy of movies? I didn't dare say that I wanted you to be a part of mine, nor did you. But I know we both thought the same back then. Because all you have to do is look at me to know how I feel without even having to say it. And all I have to do is look at you to understand what you feel without you telling me first. 

We know each other that well.

I'm still afraid of what's to come, or what I might be missing out there. What if we're not meant to be together? What if I'm not your fairy tale love? What if our love is more beautiful in the idealization of our minds? What if...

I hate these cowardly thoughts but I can't stop them from coming and going. I know if you were here with me, we would be discussing our fears and you would tell me that deep down, if I really wanted to experience the world, you would let me go. Because loving is letting go and I know you love me enough to accept that. Even if it hurts, even if you're the more jealous one between us, and the hardest to let go of things. 

I know you would do what you don't do for anyone else for me, you would give up what you don't give up for anyone else, you would control yourself like you don't for anyone else. And it's precisely because I know this that I can't let myself be selfish and leave you behind.

I know you know that you would give me even what I think I don't want but seem to need. Freedom, for example. But if freedom means losing you, I don't want to be free.

I don't want the future our fans wish for me, I don't want the easy path, I don't want to marry and wait until I fall in love again because love grows gradually with coexistence, I don't want to start a family because my family expects that of me, I don't want to follow the pattern of fairy tale movies.

I want real love.

Not those tragic ones we read about in school, cry about in movies, and hear about.

I want a real story. I want the day-to-day, the hustle, the unexpected, the disagreements, the doubts, the longing, the anticipation, and all the kisses. Every single one of your kisses.

I need someone to call in the middle of the night, from the other side of the world, just because I haven't seen you in person in months and I miss you.

I need to call you all your nicknames in the middle of the night when you're lying on the couch and haven't come to bed because you got distracted reading books.

I need our jenlisa method, when we accumulate things that annoy us  — and literally write them down in the phone notes as "things to discuss with her later" and talk about them when we have some time just for ourselves. It strengthens our relationship and I love how we can be mature about it, without starting a petty argument.

I need our fights, when I fail and doubt you, us, and you lose your mind and leave wherever you are to remind us why we fit and have to stay together. Or when you're tired of pretending you don't care what the whole world thinks of me, you, us separately. When you cry silently on the other end of the line and I know you're thinking of giving up but don't want to hurt me and get lost in the process. I know sometimes it hurts so much that it's almost impossible to keep believing in us.

But I need you to keep me grounded when I wonder, is any of this real? What are we doing? Are we wasting time when we could be with other people? Am I foolishly choosing the hard path when I should surrender to the easy one? Why does love have to be difficult? It shouldn't be.

Are we wrong?

Are we the soulmates who weren't meant to be together?

I don't know.

I don't have those answers.

But if my future depends on me knowing how to reconcile what I want and what I need, I say we're on the right path. 

Even with so many thorns in the way and even if they scratch us and make us bleed. It's not toxic, it doesn't corrode, and it's not a love worth killing for. Roses before they bloom have thorns that prick the gardener, but he doesn't give up on cultivating them. You love me for who I am, with my thorns, petals, and fragrance.

Don't you know yet? I still need, I think I will always need you.

You're the one I want, and the one I need.

You're my non-obvious choice, my longest path, my original love story.

Don't you really know?

J-E-N-N-I-E

I love you.

This is the end of the race. 🫡Thank you for getting here!See you around 🩶xoxo, RJ.