The Artists live (a little bit longer)

Chapter 11

     Alton was admitted to the hospital the next day, asking to see Sage. They told him that she had gone outside and was sitting on a bench, so he went there. Sage was surprised to see him, but thought he was visiting. Knowing what she did on the set of the video, she got upset because she felt like she put so many people in an awkward situation and that the entire video was canceled because of what she said and did after filming their scenes, so she feared that Alton is also angry with her and that he came to finally end the relationship with a mentally unstable person, that it was the final straw. She was preparing for that scenario in her head to make it easier for herself if it came to that, even though she knew she wasn't able to handle that scenario. She slowly turned around because of the medical collar on her neck, took as deep a breath as was possible due to the pain, and looked at his direction, but not directly at him. She seemed very lost, but she was conscious enough to communicate through paper.

     Alton (comes, sits next to her): "It hurts me to see you in that state, I know you're suffering and in a lot of pain." Sage (writing on paper): "How did you get here? You came to visit?" Alton (answering, raising his left forearm with a bandage on it): "Not really for a visit, they kept me here. To save you time writing, I didn't really try to kill myself, I staged suicide to get to you. Of course, if I'm bothering you here then I'll find a way to leave, several doctors were doubtful if I should be here anyway." Sage (gets emotional, writing): "Then you're even crazier than I am. Really." Alton (smiles): "Then it's good that I came here, it means I belong here. Have you completely lost your voice? (Sage writes "Not completely") I guess you can't talk because of the pain then, take it slow when you want to write something - I know the brain damage makes you more numb, we're in no rush." Sage (writes): "It would be better you left me to die. This is much worse than death." Alton (gets sad when he reads it): "I'm sorry I didn't react faster and open the door right away when you mentioned the hanging, but you really surprised me! Sometimes your mood changes too quickly and I can't react, do you think I would let this happen? If Reydan hadn't demanded we open the door right away, it would have had worse consequences." Sage (writes): "Or I would have died, which would have been better." Alton (sigh): "Sage, this is not about making a damn video, you punish yourself every time you feel guilty, or you try too hard to fix things; the most likely reason for this behavior is the threats you have heard since childhood, that someone will kill themselves because of you for every mistake you make, so you have the feeling that everything you do wrong is fatal and that only your death can compensate for that feeling of guilt, that you have to hurt or even kill yourself to punish yourself for whatever reaction that person has. What's worst of all, sometimes you're the one who can't take it anymore and then you snap, and then you punish yourself for the reaction of the person who hurt you, you punish yourself for showing your emotions. You have no defense mechanism to protect yourself and your interests because you are always looking at their feelings and needs as well as their opinion, you are actually afraid of their interaction with you. When you're overwhelmed with guilt and don't know how to fix things, you turn to self-destruction. At the same time, a part of you is afraid to admit guilt because you are afraid of the consequences, for you those consequences are worse than death and then we return to the vicious circle. Realize that this time you have no reason to feel guilty, the only thing you did wrong was not talking to me or anyone else in the band before you let your need to self-destruct take over. (grabs her hand) I also didn't want to shoot the scene as the director wanted, it would be too much to get naked almost completely, we didn't even agree on that and both of us would be uncomfortable in front of the cameras. (quieter) When we're alone it's a different story, but there's no simulation... (kisses her hand)... You and I don't act our passion in front of others, everything is honest with us. (he touches her gently on the cheek) You did a right thing when you sent him to hell, I also really liked you in your dangerous form. (laughs)" Sage (smiles slightly because of the pain, writes): "So you're not mad at me? Because of me, the video shoot failed, we worked on it for nothing! (writes at a slower pace) I made a mess with what I did, I hate myself for it." Alton (reads): "Why should I be angry?" If only that last scene is a problem, then we are both guilty, but the guys from the band also agree that we shot it well and that there was no need for what the director wanted from us. The video didn't fail because of you, we have almost enough material to edit the whole video but we agreed that we don't want to, maybe we will release it one day when we have many years of career behind us. For now, we'll make a video for the first song, but we'll do it when you get out of here and when you've recovered a bit." Sage (writes more slowly): "If I recover. This time the consequences are much greater."