Miss Americana and The Hearbreak Princess

Chapter Twenty Seven - I Almost Do

"I think, really, I just saw what I wanted to see. I wanted Freen to be fine, because at least that way I'd know it was worth it. There had been a point to her leaving and my sadness. So I looked at those photos and I saw what I wanted to see - and the rest of the world saw it too - but really she was hiding it like I was."

"Obviously you didn't know that at the time. Did it make it better or worse when you realised that?"

Chewing on her lip with a thoughtful look on her face, Becca paused for a moment, deliberating. Shifting her legs out from underneath her, she changed positions and leant against the arm of the armchair as she brooded. There was a solemn look on her face, her green eyes grave and troubled.

"Of course it made me feel worse. I've never wished her anything but so much love and happiness. How could I not? When you love someone, you never want them to be hurting, and despite my own inability to move on, I still wanted her to be happy. I thought she was. And I guess that's one of the hardest parts of heartbreak too, knowing that someone else is doing great when you're not fine at all without them. I had this whole picture built up in my head, and it was just... wrong. It was shocking to realise how wrong I was."

Venting her frustration through a new song, Becca felt marginally better as she wrapped up the end of the Speak Now World Tour. 

Her last show was in New Zealand and it almost felt bittersweet to say goodbye, knowing that it was the last time she'd be performing regularly for a while. Although, Becca was excited to record the rest of her new album, it wasn't quite the same as the rush from performing them live. 

It would be a while before she felt the rush that came from performing for a massive crowd and as she sang her last encore, she almost felt like crying.

The rest of the trip had been uneventful, with Becca on her best behaviour as she let herself be forced into excursions where photographers were waiting, feeling brief moments of joy as she met fans and stopped for people asking for photos on the street. 

She'd spent most of her time in her hotel room though, writing songs as she vented her jealousy and found that she was actually angry at herself and not Freen. It could've been her in Paris with her, instead of Faye. Yet, Becca was glad that Freen had a friend there to be with her.

Likewise, when she went back to National City, she threw herself into her friendships.

Daisy West was in town, and although they'd met through Freen, it didn't feel strange for them to get dinner while she was there for a fashion show. Then there were all the hours Becca was putting in at the studio, where she met Mike Dox for the first time. 

She was immediately struck by his mind as they hung out on the leather couches, talking about the music he was producing. They quickly became fast friends.

It made her feel better to be surrounded by people, throwing herself into new friendships in all areas of the industry, to throw dinner parties for them all at her house, drinking wine as she played them some of her new music. 

She found that she was happy with the new people she surrounded herself with, less lonely, although she still spent her nights pacing around her quiet, dark house instead of sleeping.

The album was coming along well, with more than half of it finished now, as well as dozens of other songs stockpiled for the time being. 

Things felt like they were getting better, and Becca could almost start to believe that it was shaping up to be a good summer for her, but the stinging reminders of Freen always pulled her up short of letting her enjoy herself.

It didn't matter what she was doing, the memories would come out of the blue like a punch to the gut. 

At dinner with Winn after she went to see one of his performances, she found out that Freen was back in town, and it kept Becca up at night, envisioning her sitting in that wingback armchair in her apartment with Faye late at night, looking out at the city as Freen was wont to do.