2024: my digital diary

05.12 Sonny

Except for today, I have had an extremely productive week. Despite this, this has probably the saddest, most anxious I have been in awhile. I'm not even sure I want to think about this anymore. On Tuesday I texted Sonny late at night and I told him I needed some time off from seeing him and talking to him (and the friend group in general). I told him it was because I thought he/them were better off without me. He replied saying "I don't know about the rest, but I know I'm not better off without you".

I don't even know where to start. I had been feeling for a while out of place. Not in the friend group, just in myself I guess and around Sonny. I have this deep fear in me that people will hate me once I become too close to them, it is one of my biggest traumas. So I tend to leave when I sense someone getting too close to me. I'm deeply afraid of the idea of someone caring for me and then abandoning me because of the way I am. So yeah that is the main reason why I asked Sonny for some time off.

Another reason is this deep hatred that I feel towards myself. I think I am annoying, obnoxious, pretentious, ugly, stubborn, etc. And so again I pull away due to the fear of rejection. On one hand, I am afraid people will hate me, on the other hand I am also ashamed of people looking at me: my face and my body. I have had episodes of agoraphobia in the past, two years ago I had a pretty serious one where I wouldn't leave the house, because I was scared of people seeing me, and I had this constant fear of death going after me, which I still have to some degree. I feel like I am slowly entering another episode like the ones I used to have.

The fourth reason I asked Sonny to take some time is because I'm afraid of developing feelings for him. It just struck me on Tuesday, I went to the library and he was there he just looked very good that day and I couldn't stop thinking about that, felt ashamed then that he would never look at me that way and so here we are.

Initially I thought two things of this decision of taking some time from our friendship: one, that it would ease my feelings towards thinking people who grow close to me will hate me; two, that it was some kind of punishment that I was dictating into myself because I don't think I deserve happiness and I need to change the way I am for people not to hate me.

Prediction one was completely wrong, I think now more than ever that people hate me and I don't deserve anything from anyone. I also can't stop thinking about Sonny now (which had never happened to me before) and I hate that think that I grew into the feeling of liking him. Prediction two was right: this is a punishment and it feels like punishment.

Because it is not just not texting him. It's not hanging out with him or anyone in the group, it's avoiding the Roman Jakobson library because I know they will be there (I now go to the Medicine Library alone), it's sitting alone in class knowing they are behind me wondering why the fuck I'm ignoring everybody, it's eating on my own on lunch break, and so on. It's knowing he is the only one who knows why I'm ignoring everybody and not really knowing how he feels about it. I know he respects the decision and I think that is very noble of him and I thank him for that, but I don't know. I hope he doesn't find this weird, the whole situation I mean.

So I basically isolated myself this week. Which meant I had plenty of time to study on my own, and this was a very productive and painful week because of that. Anxiety was killing me all the time. I tried meditating on Wednesday night and I began crying because of all the pain in me. Because a big part of me wants to talk to him and just be normal again. What's hurting is not not talking to him, it is knowing I can't talk to him, because I told him and I told myself that I would not. And stronger than the love I have for him, is the hate I have for myself. Because talking to him again will mean that I will not have changed, and that I will be as hateful as I have been all my life. So I think I made a good decision. No more of him until I learn my lesson.

Here is the list of things I would like to deeply change about myself: don't talk about private things to impress; don't talk about ex-boyfriends; don't show too much skin to impress; don't talk about things you don't do consistently, don't lie or exaggerate things; don't insist; be independent (don't tell everything you do, avoid texting, talk humbly in person); don't raise your voice; be nice; don't criticise other opinions; don't try to change other people's minds because you think your point of view is more correct; don't criticise others (let go of hate and jealousy, move towards being fine on your own and what you have); don't fantasise over what you don't have; don't insult as a joke; don't brag about money or about your friends.

So yeah. I'll work on this for some time, while avoiding contact with Sonny and the friend group. I think I'll try to keep this for this week, and then I'm going to Maple Bay with my mom for 10 days approx, until the beginning of my final exams. When I come back for the exams I'll see how I feel about contact again. Or maybe it is too soon, and I need more time to work on my issues. I don't know, I feel so down and worthless. But I'll keep on feeling this way if I don't better myself. This is how this starts once and for all.

Tomorrow I have a group project presentation, that will be the last of the strictly necessary contact that I'll have to share with Sonny or anyone in the group. After that, I'll be on my own, like I'm meant to be.

So, to plan the following weeks: I will avoid contact with everyone from university, so I will focus on loneliness (which will humble me down) and give me time to study hard for my finals, work out and meditate about my issues while I am in Maple Bay. So yeah, I don't have to feel sad about any of this. Indeed this is a very good decision and I just have to be strong enough to prove to myself that I can do well without telling someone everything I do, and that I can be happy alone with myself. And these weeks will be perfect for bonding time with my mom, my dog, and learning my lesson. It is easy, I have to embrace change as a good thing. It is simple: I see things that are objectively wrong about myself, I see how I would like to change them, so now I just have to do it. Because if I stay consistent about that I will come off being a lot closer to the version of myself that I have in mind.

I have seen this change in me in the past, I know it is possible. I have gone from a failure student to an Honor Mention student. All because of hard work, consistency, changing who I am to be who I want to become. I think it is time to use this hatred I have for myself as an engine for change, instead of just laying around feeling sorry for myself. Hate will give me the will to change what I hate so much.

So it is easy, what I have to work on for the following weeks. Maybe even the summer: personality (the things listed — having them in mind all the time and trying hard to not do them, actively stop my speech, change my behaviour), looks (some summer clothes I need to buy, a pair of shoes, and cutting my hair, and all will be fine), academics (acing my exams, staying focused), body and health (working out and tennis school for the summer), meditation to feel more at ease and release tensions.