2024: my digital diary

07.19 Insecurities

I feel ugly and unattractive all of the time. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what I've done wrong. I don't know why I'm so unhappy.

I guess I can fix it by exercising and commuting to projects, but at the end of the day it all comes down to fixing my ideas about myself in my head. Am I really that ugly? Or does my body or clothes really look that bad? I sometimes get very good compliments, so am I delusional about this topic and of so why? I just want to be happy and okay and not worry about this but somehow it is almost an obsession that I don't know how to overcome.

Sonny is so pretty. People in general are pretty. I would hate it if people looked at me and thought "poor her, she's so ugly", it is so embarrassing and that is probably what happens. Maybe they don't think I'm ugly but they think I'm just strange looking somehow.

My body sometimes looks terrible, especially in the summer. I can't find the proper clothes, I have no money for good shoes or t-shirts that actually fit. I can't go to Sonny about this issue because he will never be honest with me, obviously, you don't tell your best friend how ugly they are.

I don't know what's wrong. It's not that I put value in beauty, I see much value in many things about myself, all intelectually related. I just quite simply want to be pretty. Like really pretty. I want people to look at me and feel that they think I'm pretty. I want to feel desired more often, that's all.

I never flirt but I never get approached either. Plenty of girls get approached all of the time. Why not me? What did I get wrong? I don't think it is because I am intimidating and boys are afraid to approach me, that's egocentric in my opinion. I think they don't approach me because they don't like me, quite simply. I never get hit on, it is so sad.

Owen was the last person I was with, this was past January. It is July now. I hate feeling alone and unwanted like this. I have friends and I have good grades and I have a passion for many things but nobody ever seems to care much for it. Nobody ever asks, nobody is ever interested in me in a sexual or physical way. I just I hate everything about myself. I wish I could just be happy with what I have but that is never enough.

I envy Sonny in many ways. He is very good looking, his grades are good, he has a girl and they have a very healthy relationship, he is never sad or depressed (at least that is what he says). He's just at ease with life you know. Everyone in the friend group loves him, they like him because he is such a good guy and also because he is very attractive.

I am none of those things. I am awkward, I cant enjoy myself in groups, Im always feeling down or sick or full of social anxiety. I am not pretty, I am not very well dressed. Nobody ever approaches me aiming to flirt, everyone else in the friend group always gets that sort of attention and I'm just there.

Sometimes I wonder what Sonny sees in me, like why is he my friend. He is my friend because he makes me feel good and happy, and because we share similar interests, have similar humour, etc. It's hard for me to imagine him listing those same factors when it comes to why he is friends with me.

I am so depressed. I don't ever want to go outside. I hope nobody ever sees me. Often I wish I was never born.