Sound of Silence (Good Hearts Series #1)

Chapter 25

"Borderline Personality Disorder."

My brows furrowed. I gulped and tried to calm myself. "W-what's that?" tanong ko sa psychiatrist.

"Based on what you said about how you treat other people and how you make decisions, you have symptoms of BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition. People with BPD have severe mood swings, unstable relationships and trouble controlling their emotions. They have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior. Iisa-isahin natin, ha," sambit ng psychiatrist na babae.

"You said you're pushing him away but you're scared he might leave you, tama?" mahinahon niyang sambit kaya tumango ako. "People with BPD have intense fear of abandonment and have trouble regulating their emotions, especially anger. Natatakot kang maiwanan, tama ba?"

"Y-yes..."

"Okay. You are afraid of being left behind and even though people treat you well, you still think they will leave you. There are times when you treat them well and there are times when you treat them badly. You don't want them out of your life but unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away."

Natahimik ako. That's why I'm pushing him away. Now, I understand. Natatakot pala akong maiwan.

"Next is extreme emotional swings. One moment you're happy, and then the next, downhearted. Isa ito sa mga nangyayari sa 'yo, hindi ba? Next is explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short-temper. Kapag nagagalit ka, hindi mo na iniisip ang sasabihin mo. Posible rin na magbasag ka ng gamit. You may also have difficulty controlling your anger when it explodes." Hindi ko na alam ang mararamdaman ko. Ganitong-ganito ako. Tama lahat nang sinasabi niya.

I bit my lower lip.

"Last is self-harm. Suicidal behavior is common in people with BPD. You said you cut your wrist without realizing it and that's because you're sick. Hindi mo alam na nasasaktan mo na ang sarili mo dahil sa sakit mo."

Tumulo ang luha ko. "W-why... Just why..." mahinang sambit ko. "Bakit ako mayroon niyan?"

"Did you have any traumatic events when you were a child?" she asked.

Umiling ako. "W-wala..."

"Sinabi ko na sa 'yo 'di ba? Hindi ka kakain!"

Mabilis kong tinakpan ang mga tainga ko nang marinig ko ang maingay na boses sa isipan ko. Kaninong boses 'yon?

"Alison, are you okay?" Hinawakan ako ng babae pero umiling ako.

"B-bakit nakakarinig ako ng mga boses sa utak ko? P-parang... parang totoong nangyari. Kinulong niya ako sa cabinet noong bata pa ako..." umiiyak kong sambit.

"What's the full story?" tanong niya pero umiling ulit ako.

"H-hindi ko alam! Hindi ko maalala!" Lumakas ang iyak ko.

"Naaalala mo, Alison..." aniya kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. "Maybe you're blocking it because it was too painful," she added.

"What?" nakakunot-noong tanong ko.

"May mga ganiyang cases na kinakalimutan nila ang traumatic experience noong mga bata pa sila dahil masyado itong mabigat para dalhin. They're blocking their childhood memories because it was too painful for them. Ganiyan siguro ang nangyayari sa iyo, Alison." Tumayo siya mula sa pagkakaupo sa swivel chair at umupo sa upuan sa harap ko.

Maybe she was right. Naalala ko ang binanggit sa akin ni Henri noon. He promised to protect me but I can't remember that. Did I really forget my childhood memories?