An Intangible Pattern - Fate Bound.

It's a wonderful life.

That night, she couldn't sleep. A gnawing pit of sadness sat heavy in her stomach while resentful thoughts chased one another round and round in her head.
It's childish. Childish, childish, childish!
But no matter how she berated herself, another part of her, deep down, howled and wept at the unfairness of it all. She wondered why? Why did her sister seem to have all the luck in the world, while she failed over and over again. Happiness just landed in Cat's path, while misfortune dogged Alex's steps...and it was beginning to feel personal. Was she missing something? Was she just fundamentally flawed in a way that attracted misery? Was this just another sign from a hostile universe that she should never have been, so how dare she hope for joy? Some cruel cosmic joke, to set someone so unlucky next to someone so blessed, just so they would know how unwelcome their existence was.
Maybe she deserved it?
She laughed at how pathetic she was being, crying over the good fortune of someone she loved so deeply.
Jesus Christ, I'm being ridiculous. The world owes me nothing.
She knew there was no rhyme or reason in what was happening to her, but it was difficult not to believe she was doing something wrong, and if she could just figure out what it was, she could somehow make it stop.
She sniffed and wiped her tears away. She couldn't brood over it all night, so she took a deep breath, got up and went downstairs.
There was a light on in the living room and she could hear the rapid rattle of a transatlantic accent. She poked her head around the door and saw her mother curled up on the sofa, red thread flicking left to right between her knitting needles.
"Hey," she said softly.
"Hullo love, can't sleep?
Alex shook her head. "I was going to make some tea, do you want some?"
"Ooh yes, please. Do you think Cat has chamomile?"
"I'll take a look."
Alex retreated to the kitchen and returned a few moments later with two steaming mugs of tea.
"Ooh lovely, thanks pet," her mother accepted the mug and blew on the steaming liquid. She patted the seat beside her and lifted the blanket on her lap, inviting Alex to sit next to her.
"What are you watching?" she said as she sat down and tucked her knees up to her chin. Mariana wrapped an arm around her and squeezed her shoulder.
"It's a wonderful life. It doesn't really feel like Christmas without it."
Alex nodded and sipped her tea, the sweet, warming taste of ginger soothed her as it went down her throat. She stared blankly at the protagonist on the screen, upending furniture in front of his wife and children.
"You ok?" her mother asked, stroking her hair off her face, "You look a little down?"
"It's nothing, it's just been a weird day."
Mariana studied her thoughtfully, "It was rather a lot to take in. Come on, what's on your mind?"
The image of Arthur holding Cat, laughing and crying, overjoyed at the prospect of becoming a father, played in her mind. A more diffuse memory of another man overlaid the scene, a man who was screaming accusations at her mother before slamming the front door for the last time.
"I was thinking about dad."
"...Oh."
"Was he ever like that? Like how Arthur is with Cat? Was he happy you were pregnant?"
Mariana hitched a smile on her face that stopped short of her eyes and answered a little too cheerily.
"Of course."
Alex raised her brows and her mother's smile faltered. She sighed sadly and turned her attention to the television again, "I see."
Mariana squeezed her tighter. "Don't let it bring you down. It had nothing to do with you or Cat, and everything to do with your father. He never could appreciate what he had."
"Do you hate him?"
"I did, for a long time... now I just feel sorry for him, but I've never regretted it." She kissed the top of Alex's head, "I wouldn't have you girls if I hadn't met him. I'm grateful for that."
Alex sighed, "I can't help but wonder if he ever loved us."
"I think it was a case of he just didn't know how," murmured Mariana, turning her head to her. "Truth be told, he didn't have the best start in life, he never had much growing up and he was badly neglected... I don't think he knew what love looked like. It was like... he was always trying to get somewhere or something... but he didn't know what it was. He'd have this ideal in his head and nothing could ever live up to it. At one point, I thought I was what he wanted more than anything else, but when he had me, I suddenly wasn't good enough. Then he thought he wanted a family, but that didn't make him happy either. Then he went off to the States with his band and that was the last any of us heard from him. Some people just have a hole they can't fill, it's not anyone's fault."
Some people just have a hole they can't fill.
Sympathy struck uncomfortably in Alex's chest and she sipped her tea, feeling despondent.
"Do you think he ever figured it out? Maybe he's out there somewhere and he's happy with another family or something?"
Mariana sighed and gave her a sad smile. "I don't know, love. The last I heard, he fell out with his band mates and then he just disappeared... but I hope you're right."
"What if... what if I'm just like him?" Alex said, her voice cracking as her throat constricted. She stared into her mug and tears welled up in her eyes.
"No... oh no, darling!" Mariana drew her in with both arms and hugged her tightly, "You're nothing like your father. You are kind and sweet and caring and you're wonderful. I don't know how I'd ever have managed without you, so don't say that."
Alex sobbed quietly in her mother's embrace. She felt like a fraud, like she was undeserving of the praise her mother heaped on her so generously. Unlike her mother, she didn't have the benefit of being able to hide her inner thoughts from herself, and could assemble any number of instances where she had been anything but kind.
"What if I can't love either? What if I just feel nothing!"
She whispered broken heartedly.
"Shhh, shhh baby. Look at me," soothed her mother, she took her daughter's face in her hands and brushed away her tears. "Who always cheered me up when I had a bad day at work? Or gave me a hug when I was sad? Who made dinner when I couldn't come home early? And read stories to Cat, and kept her safe even when she wasn't on her best behavior? Who came running through a blizzard the second she was in trouble? You, Alex! It was you! You do know how to love, you know it so well you don't even realize you're doing it."
Her mother's words caught her off guard, striking deep to her heart. She drew a long shaky breath. Mariana kissed her daughter's forehead and smiled lovingly at her.
"Do you know just how precious you are?"
Alex was speechless, dissolving into fresh tears. She let her mother guide her head into her lap, where she stroked her hair until the tears ran dry. Her attention fell on the television set. A man wearing a hat was leaning on a mailbox.
"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"