secrets better kept // jaspar

02

- Joe -

I always hated this time of year. I knew that I should love it; I should love meeting and performing for my fans. I should love the opportunity to hang out with all of my friends from YouTube. I really should love it. 

But I hate Playlist Live. I absolutely hate it.

Why? Well, it just gives everyone a chance to find out my secrets. I always share a hotel room with Caspar Lee, and I can't count the amount of times he was so close to walking into the bathroom while I was cutting or throwing up. He'll just openly change around me (good view) and I will always go to the restroom to change. He's questioned me about that before, but I've never really had a good excuse. I can't lie to him as easily as I can to Marcus, or anyone, for that matter, and I don't know why.

Why couldn't I just have Caspar as a roommate instead of Marcus? 

Oh, wait. I know. It's because I have a crush on him.

Yeah, I know it was kind of expected. I mean, it's not like I hide it the best. I literally ditched sharing a hotel room with Marcus, my supposedly best friend, multiple times just to room with Caspar. Let's not forget that time in Zoe's vlog where I literally could not stop staring at Caspar. Thanks, Zoe, for keeping that in even though I know you saw it. And thanks, viewers, for talking nonstop about it. Thanks again, viewers, for getting #JASPARISREAL trending, too. I've never seen a hashtag trend so quickly.

Those are few of the many reasons I could never live with Caspar. Also, I would never want to risk him finding out about any of the stuff I put myself through. He would think I was a freak. That's why I haven't told anyone about it. Plus, it's not exactly something I would like to share. Sure, sharing is caring; but I don't care. It's that simple.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out, seeing a picture of Zoe on my screen. I slid my finger across my phone to answer it.

"Hello?" I answered, folding a shirt to put in my suitcase. Last time I packed for something, I just threw everything in my suitcase. I'm not doing that this time, since that resulted in everything being wrinkled.

"Hello, Joseph. Are you packing right now?" She asked. I always told Zoe to check if I was packing, since I am a severe procrastinator and Marcus would never make sure I was. Zoe knows that Marcus has a skill to piss anyone off very easily and that I had a flaw that made me pissed off very easily. It can get very ugly in this house sometimes.

"Yeah, I am. Thanks for checking in." I said, throwing the shirt that I just folded in my bag. She said it was no problem, then she hung up. I sighed. Sometimes I want to just tell everything to Zoe. Her and Caspar are the only ones I've ever thought about telling, though I never actually did. Zoe has just always told me everything that went on in her life. If she had a panic attack, she would call me. If something good had happened, like she got on a magazine cover or something, she would call me and tell me first. It just made me feel guilty that I could take a knife to my skin and never tell her that I did it. I know that I'm a terrible brother, yet I've made no effort to change it.

I placed the last of my folded clothes in my suitcase, zipping it up and putting it next to my bed. The flight left tomorrow, and I honestly was dreading it. Zoe was coming down tonight, which was a plus. I can use her as an excuse to get out of dinner with Marcus, which I knew was happening since I saw texts he sent to Alfie and Caspar about meeting up for dinner with us two, and then tell Zoe that I already ate. I was scared that Zoe might want to join them, though, since her and Alfie were dating. She didn't live with him, though, because Alfie was currently living with Caspar. 

"Joe, come here!" I heard Marcus shout from upstairs. I groaned, grabbing my phone and making my way upstairs. Marcus was by the oven, a black smoke coming from a pot. The neck of his tank top was pulled up over his nose. I didn't get why he was dressed like it was hot in here; I was freezing.