secrets better kept // jaspar

05

- Joe -

Caspar was already awake when I woke up. He sat on the bed in his pajamas still, seemingly editing a video. I pulled the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands and grabbed my phone, checking the time. It was only seven in the morning, so we still had awhile until we had to get up and get ready. 

"Do you wanna go down to the pool? Alfie texted me that everyone was down there." Caspar said, and I had no idea how to deny this. I'm just gonna have to wing it.

"Truthfully, I would rather get some more sleep, but you go right ahead." I said, and Caspar pouted.

"Please? Everyone wants to see you since they didn't at dinner yesterday. You can just sleep down there." Caspar said, and I sighed and nodded. I'll just wear my hoodie and joggers, bring some headphones, and fake sleep down there.

I put on my white converse as Caspar got up and changed into his swimming shorts. Jesus Christ, he could at least turn around instead of giving me a full view of his dick. Seriously, it's like he's trying to make this whole crush thing even harder for me. I grab my headphones and put them, as well as my phone, in my hoodie pocket.

"You're going to sweat to death." Caspar said, laughing and shaking his head. He grabbed a t-shirt of his and tossed it to me. I caught it, but then just threw it onto the bed.

"I think I'm coming down with something. I can't seem to get warm." I said, and he just nodded.

"Whatever you say." He said, grabbing my hand and running towards the door. I laughed.

"Caspar, I promise we will have plenty of time at the pool. You can walk there." I said, laughing. He groaned, sticking out his bottom lip.

"I wanna get there quickly, Joe! I want as much time as possible!" He said, laughing. 

"It's seven in the morning. We're fucking walking. At least I am. You can go right ahead and work those long legs running down the six flight of stairs while I take the elevator." I said, and he just kept laughing.

"You're so sassy. I think I'll stick with the elevator, too." He replied, and we continued our journey to the elevator.

"You don't wanna run down the stairs? How you gonna keep that six pack of yours?" I asked, poking his stomach. Caspar had an amazing body, and I really wished I looked like him. Like, seriously. He actually has muscle, and he's tall, and just all out freaking hot. I'll never be like him.

"By eating pizza and sleeping all day, duh." Caspar replied, laughing. I laughed, too, plugging my headphones into my phone. I was so tired. I slept for a good time, but I'm still exhausted. I don't understand it. Maybe I'm just overworking myself. Or I'm just overreacting. Probably the second one. I need to stop being so weak. That would make this whole ordeal easier.

"You're seriously not going to swim?" Caspar asked sadly. I would if I could, but I can't without them finding out my secrets.

"Do I look like I'm wearing swim shorts?" I replied sarcastically. Caspar pouted.

"Lose the attitude. I just wanna have a fun time with you." Caspar said. If he wanted to have a fun time with me then I could think of a couple other things we could do. Fuck, I need to stop thinking about him like that. I need to stop thinking about him hovering over me, my fingers running down his back, his lip biting mine, and-

Joe, stop. You don't need to get a hard on in an elevator right next to Caspar.

"We'll make plenty fun memories here. 7 A.M. swims just aren't one of them." I said, and smiled sadly. He smiled back, and then he licked his lips, and fuck, I've got it bad.

-

They've all been swimming for about thirty minutes while I've just been sitting in a comfy chair and listening to music. I told the others I had a headache and wasn't up for a morning swim, and they believed me. They don't even see that I'm broken. They don't even see that I'm fucking dying inside. 

I sighed, leaning my head back against the chair. I actually did have a headache, and it was awful. I couldn't even open my eyes because the light hurt so bad. I was freezing, too, even though it was an outside pool and I was in a hoodie and sweatpants. God, what the hell is wrong with me?

I didn't realize I was crying until Caspar came up to me.

"Joe, what's wrong? Is your headache really that bad?" Caspar asked, drying his body with a towel. I wiped my face with my sleeve.

"Yeah, sorry. It hurts really bad." I said, and though that was true, I'm not so sure that was why I was crying.

"Do you want me to take you back to the room?" Caspar asked, and I shook my head.

"No, you stay here and have fun, I don't wanna ruin that for you. I'll just go up alone." I said, standing up. I started falling forward as soon as I stood up, and I would've fallen to the ground if Caspar hadn't caught me.

"Hey, I was just about to go up anyway, okay? Don't worry about it. Let's go." Caspar said, and I just nodded because I was too upset and in too much pain to reply. He told the others that we were off, and then we started walking to the elevator, Caspar keeping his arm around my waist, afraid that I might fall again.

As we got in the elevator, I leaned further against Caspar, and he wrapped his arms around me. I'm not making this crush easier on myself, but I don't care right now.

"What's really wrong?" Caspar whispered, even though we were the only ones in the elevator. I sighed.

"I wish I could tell you." I said, because, God, maybe I was a bit tired of pretending I'm fine all the time.

"You can. You can trust me." Caspar said. But can I? When he finds out what it really is, would he seriously keep it to himself and not tell someone like Zoe or my dad?

"I'm not so sure I know myself." I lied. Yes, I knew. I was fucking killing myself, and nobody cared. I didn't even care.

"It's okay. Please, come to me when you need someone, okay? I care for you, Joe. I really do." He said, and I didn't know what to reply, so I didn't.

Did someone finally care?