jules
clauida and i were holding each other, walking to our plane gate and then my phone rang. "hello?" i answered, creating a small distance with my best friend now.
"jules, how are you."
"father john?" i frowned, instantly knowing who was on the other line. listening to him host youth groups for so many years, being friends with my family, his voice isn't a voice i can just forget.
"yes."
"i'm good, what— i do- i don't understand." i didn't know how to respond.
"your mother came to me." he told me. "her health isn't the greatest right now, and jules she has never been the same since you left."
i froze in my place and clauida stopped a couple moments after me realizing i wasn't next to her. "what's wrong with mom?" my heart was aching. mom has always had health problems, but it wasn't something too serious back then and she always did a great job at being positive. this only tells me that it's actually bad.
"she's a admitting that she doesn't feel good and she's reaching out to you jules. it's bad." he validated my suspicions.
"who is with her?" i asked.
"the community is around her, everyone takes shifts. you know how beloved she is." he replied. "she wanted to send you a letter."
"written by her?" i couldn't help it, tears were slipping away from me.
"yes jules, and you're going to write her something and send it to the return address okay? that's a request from me."
"do you think she's not going to make it?" my voice cracked.
"i know she needs your prayers." he replied.
"please father just be straight up with me, don't be gentle with your words. is she going to make it?"
"the lord only knows, but her time may end soon." he replied.
"i can come? please father you have to help me see her. i never got a chance to say goodbye to her, think of the eternal good deeds that'll be counted for you." i begged and even tried to bait him.
"no matter what, you will always be welcome here in the church. even if you father might not appreciate it."
"okay, thank you father. i'll wait on that letter." i nodded in understanding and we hung up.
"what happend?" claudia looked concerned. "is your mom okay?"
"no." i shook my head, crying and fell into her arms. she held me for some a few moments before she asked what i needed and all i needed was to get on that plane and go back home. i'm too tired.
i always clung onto the hope that ill see her again and a part of me really believed and another thought it wasn't possible. now i feel like i'm grieving her again for the second time and she still hasn't passed.
i blinked and clauida was tucking me into bed and then she left the room. i blinked again to find the sun peeking through my blinds and claudia sleeping right next to me. i slipped out of bed and opened my laptop to a word document, starting out my letter.
i just write and write and write and write i didn't give myself a word limit just yet. "here, i made you breakfast." clauida put the plate on the table i was working at.
"i didn't realize you were up." i sniffled.
"i didn't want to disturb you." she replied. "do you need me to get you anything?"
"yeah, can you please grab my scrap box at the top shelf in my room?" i nodded. she left and came back not too long after. "i'll be here if you need me." she left again.
"clauida!?" i yelled after many hours.
"yeah!" she yelled while her footsteps got closer.
"does billie know?" i bit my lip. realizing how bad it was to completely ghost her after saying goodbye. i didn't even mean to, i just had to get this letter off my chest.
"no, i thought you might've wanted to tell her yourself. i just assured her that you were with me and that you're safe at home." she replied. "do you want your phone? i charged it for you."
"yeah." i nodded. claudia went to grab my phone while i looked at myself in the mirror for the first time today. i look exhausted, the eyebags under my eyes are crazy and my face is so dry from skipping my nighttime and morning routine. i'm grateful claudia thought of wiping the makeup off my face late at night though.
"thank you." i took the phone from her hands. she asked me if i wanted her in the room and i asked to be alone. i then sat on my bed and facetimed billie. i'm not sure what time it is for her right now.
"julie." i could see the relief on her face.
"billie." my lips started quivering.
"what's going on? claudia wouldn't tell me anything. i'm worried." she said.
"my mom is sick and they don't know if she's going to make it." i cried. "father john called me, i can't go see her."
"what do you mean you can't go see her? they can't make you stay away." billie frowned.
"you don't know my dad." i shook my head, hiccuping. "it'll cause a big scene and someone is going to get hurt. it's better of i stay away." i explained.
"we'll arrange something behind his back."
"the church takes shifts to be with her, he's going to find out." i shook my head, sniffing. "she wrote me a letter." i revealed.
"that's good, is there a return adress?"
"yeah, i still didn't receive it but i should soon. father john will deliver mine to her." i replied. "i've been writing it, from the moment i woke up. it's why i didn't talk to you, im sorry." tears continued to stream down my face.
"don't be!" she widened her eyes and shook her head. "i'm not mad, i was only worried." she continued. "i can postpone the tour dates, i want to be with you."
"no don't." i shook my head. "you can't do that right now, i have claudia with me. i have the new york branch to distract me, im going to be fine." i told her.
"you're still going forward with that right now?" she deepened her frown.
"yeah, it's an amazing opportunity, i would never forgive myself if i didn't take advantage of it. i already signed the contract after talking with my lawyer." i replied. "im locked in."
"okay." she nodded. "whatever you think is going to help you get through this. just— please don't shut me out okay?"
"i won't." my vision started getting blurry again.
"i mean it julie, if i can't be beside you. you have to let me know what is going on with you, how you're feeling, what you're doing." she stressed.
"i know, i know." i nodded, more tears fell.
"i think you should also book your therapist again, since you're back in LA." she confessed.
"i know, ill see her this week." i nodded.
"okay, like always im going to be just one phone call away. ill always answer, no matter what time it is." she told me. it hurt to hear that tone coming from the other end of the line, i could hear her longing to be with me right now more than she ever has. "i love you julie."
"i love you too." i hiccuped, looking at her on my screen, wishing too that she was here. instead i just want to hang up on her so that she can't see me like this anymore, and she can't worry as much. "can i go now? i'll call you later." i played with the ring she gave me.
"yeah, okay." she said after a long pause. "i love you." she said again.
"i love you." i replied before quickly hanging up and finding myself in the fetal position audibly wailing. clauida rushed in and got on my bed, pulled my hair away from my face and neck, tried to comfort me but nothing was working.
why does everything have an expiry date on it? why cant i enjoy being happy and content with my life for as long as i want to? why does everything have go to shit the moment i get a taste of sweetness?
what the hell did i do to deserve this shit? i sometimes go back to what i told at church. that the gays will go to eternal damnation in hell, and will also receive punishment on earth. is this my punishment for loving a girl? for going against nature? is everything i grew up on actually right and i rebelled against it?
but this feeling i have.... can't be wrong. loving someone and having limitless affection for them can't be wrong. it's doesn't feel wrong at all. the best decision i have ever made was coming out, sure yes, big piles of shit fell on me maybe from the sky above but in the end it was worth it. i found billie.
that's how i know this isn't a punishment, she makes everything better. i love her and love is never bad. love is always beautiful even if sometimes saying goodbye to it hurts more than anything in the world. love is worth it all. i'm grateful to have loved everyone ive loved.
even the ones i hate right now. i've had some unforgettable moments with them and i wouldn't change that for the world. cause remembering those moments, help me remember that they are human too, that they aren't all bad. they might be evil, but there was another side of them that i saw and i loved. i'm a firm believer that not all good is good and not all bad is bad.
