jules
i have to cry about it about a million times before it feels alright, or maybe just numb. but maybe i go numb just to not go feral. i try not to fight with the people that love me, so i go silent. that's the only effective way ive found. no communication equals to no fights and it's been better i think. it's quieter.
clauida is picking me up and we're going to billie's childhood home, where we'll be reuniting finally without having to say goodbye again. for once i finally have hope again, billie is coming home.
i got in the elevator the moment i got the text and a couple minutes later we were on our way. i'm happy today, or maybe the happiest i've been in a couple months. so maybe i've lost the true meaning of it.
the moment we arrived, took the box of pastries and ran to the door and knocked. maggie opened the door, took the box from my hand and simply said, "go.".
i ran inside and right in my face was billie. i crashed into her smiling widest ive smiled. "we made it." i tried pulling away but she just squeezed me tighter. so i just melted into her hold, and let her take as long as she wanted to. i didn't care how long it took, i don't care if it lasted forever. maybe the image of our corpses together isn't too bad.
she loosened her arms around me and i held her face and kiss her. her hands ended up in the back of my head and when we pulled away she said, "you have braids again."
"it's easier to manage." i nodded with a shrug.
"so pretty." she kissed my forehead, and she was so gentle. with all her manners, so very gentle with me and it was nice. it felt... vulnerable.
i looked over at maggie and she was filming us, like typical maggie would, so i just gave the camera a little wave.
"who wants a hug from patrick now!"
i blinked.
"i love you more than anything in this whole world." she kissed me after we brushed our teeth. i missed her apartment, it's nice being here. it feels like im home again, maybe im wrong. she's home.
"i love you endlessly." i blinked.
everything is so hazy, i don't know if it's the medicine or it's just me. i forget things that i said and i forget things i wanted to do. who did i talk to and commit to something with? i remember glimpses of things, just little bits and pieces. maybe i need to talk to my therapist about this.
"jules! do you want to go to the beach?" billie yelled from the other room, her voice getting closer.
"sure." i nodded when she was at the door. i just blinked once i promise i just blinked once and we were already there. the car ride had passed by.
"do you have an outfit for claudia's party?" she asked.
"huh?"
"claudia's cyklar party, do you have an outfit?"
"uh no, not yet. i forgot." i frowned.
"well you gotta hurry up, it's after tomorrow." she said.
"yeah, you're right." i didn't realize it was that close. "how long is your break?" i asked.
"a month and it's not like i have other things after but like officially that's when i told zero people to contact me about work." she replied.
"what do you think about the maldives before you come back from break? changing the beach for a few days." i suggested and i don't even know from where that came, but i'm not mad about it. maybe i thought about it before.
![𝗞𝗶𝗱𝗻𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗱 (ℬ𝒾𝓁𝓁𝒾ℯ ℰ𝒾𝓁𝒾𝓈𝒽) [𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗱 2020] oleh YuhMonopolyCardi](https://img.wattpad.com/cover/227337970-80-k341752.jpg)
"i think that's perfect." she said. "just the both of us and the beach."
"do you think she's sick of third wheeling us?"
"ask her, she's right here." she giggled.
sometimes i feel that the beach is the only place we're us without any other external factors. it's just jules and billie, nothing else. it's even better when it's freezing cold cause we're holding each other tight. i like the pressure on my body, it's somehow comforting.
"can i drive?" i asked when we were going back home, cause it was her car.
"yeah." she nodded and opened the door for me. i love that i still get the princess treatment when i drive and what i love even more is that she lets me drive her car. "gimme your hand." she said and then she held it and rested her head on it.
i blinked and we were home. it wasn't that i just remembered the way with a blank head and drove, i genuinely couldn't recall— "billie?"
"mhm?"
"don't let me drive for a little while."
"...okay." she frowned.
"come on, let's go in. it's cold." she teleported to my door.
i blinked.
"how many times do you think we'll say that we have to choose an apartment just as a statement before actually having a serious talk about which apartment?" billie asked. we've been postponing the possibility of giving up our apartment for longer than i can recall. i love both and she does too, but we're gonna have to choose, sooner or later.
"maybe just about fifty times more." i estimated.
"yeah that's a pretty good number, seems accurate." she nodded.
"let's do one thing at a time, our trip first." i said.
"right. baby steps, we have to see how we do living together. as if we haven't been doing that." she smiled.
"mhm." i smiled. "we're going to the suite that i picked out by the way, it's better." i felt like i hadn't slept but it was morning and i didn't toss and turn at all yesterday.
"we'll see about that." she said. "still sleepy?"
"mhm, i don't think i feel well." i put both my hands on the counter to support me.
"do you want some water?" she asked.
"no—." i widened my eyes and ran to the bathroom and started projectile vomiting until all that came out was fucking water.
"here, brush." she gave me my toothbrush. i'm gonna have to buy a new one.
"what'd you eat yesterday?"
"a banana, a salad and the fries at dinner." i recalled.
"maybe you need more nutrition." she said.
"or maybe it's the fucking medication i'm on." i wiped my mouth with water.
"didn't you talk to your doctor about this?" she asked.
"yeah but i can't switch medications yet, apparently." i shrugged. "now i don't feel like eating shit."
"mom always taught me to put something in my mouth just change the ph in my mouth. maybe you should try that." she suggested.
"you should get something in your system." i stated and went into the kitchen.
"are you sure you can function?"
"yeah, i'm fine." i walked into the kitchen and started getting out all the ingredients we're gonna need. "i'll just have a bite from your plate."
