𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐞𝐝 // 𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐞𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

55: maybe i knew

jules

i have to cry about it about a million times before it feels alright, or maybe just numb. but maybe i go numb just to not go feral. i try not to fight with the people that love me, so i go silent. that's the only effective way ive found. no communication equals to no fights and it's been better i think. it's quieter.

clauida is picking me up and we're going to billie's childhood home, where we'll be reuniting finally without having to say goodbye again. for once i finally have hope again, billie is coming home.

i got in the elevator the moment i got the text and a couple minutes later we were on our way. i'm happy today, or maybe the happiest i've been in a couple months. so maybe i've lost the true meaning of it.

the moment we arrived, took the box of pastries and ran to the door and knocked. maggie opened the door, took the box from my hand and simply said, "go.".

i ran inside and right in my face was billie. i crashed into her smiling widest ive smiled. "we made it." i tried pulling away but she just squeezed me tighter. so i just melted into her hold, and let her take as long as she wanted to. i didn't care how long it took, i don't care if it lasted forever. maybe the image of our corpses together isn't too bad.

she loosened her arms around me and i held her face and kiss her. her hands ended up in the back of my head and when we pulled away she said, "you have braids again."

"it's easier to manage." i nodded with a shrug.

"so pretty." she kissed my forehead, and she was so gentle. with all her manners, so very gentle with me and it was nice. it felt... vulnerable.

i looked over at maggie and she was filming us, like typical maggie would, so i just gave the camera a little wave.

"who wants a hug from patrick now!"

i blinked.

"i love you more than anything in this whole world." she kissed me after we brushed our teeth. i missed her apartment, it's nice being here. it feels like im home again, maybe im wrong. she's home.

"i love you endlessly." i blinked.

everything is so hazy, i don't know if it's the medicine or it's just me. i forget things that i said and i forget things i wanted to do. who did i talk to and commit to something with? i remember glimpses of things, just little bits and pieces. maybe i need to talk to my therapist about this.

"jules! do you want to go to the beach?" billie yelled from the other room, her voice getting closer.

"sure." i nodded when she was at the door. i just blinked once i promise i just blinked once and we were already there. the car ride had passed by.

"do you have an outfit for claudia's party?" she asked.

"huh?"

"claudia's cyklar party, do you have an outfit?"

"uh no, not yet. i forgot." i frowned.

"well you gotta hurry up, it's after tomorrow." she said.

"yeah, you're right." i didn't realize it was that close. "how long is your break?" i asked.

"a month and it's not like i have other things after but like officially that's when i told zero people to contact me about work." she replied.

"what do you think about the maldives before you come back from break? changing the beach for a few days." i suggested and i don't even know from where that came, but i'm not mad about it. maybe i thought about it before.