jules
"hi my love." clauida warmly embraced me into her hold. "you smell good."
"you look pretty." i smiled, but i could feel my droopy face.
"how are you doing babe?" she held my hand as we walked to her living room.
"living." i nodded with that same smile. "i'm trying."
"i know you are, be patient with yourself." she told me. "you've got this, i know you do." she squeezed my hand.
"i know, im just scared and worried that billie is struggling too because of me." i told her.
"she loves you, she's not struggling she just wants you to be okay." she told me.
"no, she's struggling." i shook my head. "i know it, you don't have to ease me like that."
"and isn't that because she's also trying? she's fighting for the both of you. that is not a bad thing as long as you're fighting together to make it okay." she replied.
"yeah, you're right." i nodded.
"you told me you got tests done." she reminded me, but she really didn't because it has been on my mind ever since i learned it.
"i'm officially diagnosed with depression." i sighed. "again."
"okay, we knew this but we wanted you to be diagnosed so you could receive the best possible treatment." she nodded and i could tell she was trying to react correctly, there isn't a right way to react to this though. "it's okay julie, it's going to be okay. i'm here, i'm always here."
"i don't want to be like this." i shook my head as she held me.
"i know you don't, this is temporary. remember that one quote you like? everything has an expiration date, everything is temporary, every emotion is temporary." she kissed the top of my head.
"it's temporary." i nodded reminding myself.
we just stayed there, holding one another in silence for a little bit. "billie and i can't figure out how to make it work, one day we're on cloud nine the other we are both crying because of each other and then comforting each other."
"why don't you talk to me about it? why am i just hearing this now?" she asked me.
"what would you do about it?" i chuckled.
"talking about it to another person can help you gather your thoughts and not act on just emotions. i can be there for you and guide you though difficult times. you know that it helps, you just need to take that one step and just call me." she answered.
"i didn't want to admit that we were fighting." i replied. "im hurting her a lot clauida and i don't know how to stop. she doesn't know how i can be like when im like this, im scared." i expressed. "she's only begging to find out and im scared that our love for each other won't be enough."
"billie is not going to give up on you." she shook her head. "remember when you rejected her? did she give up then?"
"no."
"what about on tour, did she give up on you then?"
"no."
"did she give up on you when you shut everyone out including her?"
"no."
"why would she give up on you now?"
"i don't know."
"youre focusing on the very wrong thing. you have to work on you first, then work on your relationship second. you getting better is going to help heal billie and you." she told me.
"i can't, i have to do both." i shook my head. "i can't not try to make it okay."
"okay." she nodded. "okay, my love."
"strawberry ice cream?" finneas slowly walked towards us with a tub and two spoons.
"yes please." i replied.
"there you go." he gave me the ice cream and kissed the top of my head. he looks so concerned, it's so sweet. "i'll be in the room if you need me." he told us before walking down the hallway.
"he's so sweet." my vision got blurry. "i'm craving ice cream," i said as i tried to open the tub.
"let me open it."
"no i got it." i struggled even more.
"let me help julie."
"i got it." i cried. "i got it." i opened it.
"you got it." she sat back.
"it's good." i nodded after i had a spoon.
"yeah? can i get some." she smiled and tilted the tub so that she can see the top of it and get a scoop. "it's good." she nodded, confirming.
"i needed this." i sniffled.
"you feel better now?" she wiped the tears from the right side of my face.
"yeah." i nodded.
-
"good morning my love." billie kissed my cheek. "how are you feeling?"
"can you not ask me if i'm okay the moment i wake up?" i sighed.
"yeah, sorry."
"you're leaving now?" i asked.
"yeah i was just waiting for you to wake up so i could leave." she replied.
"don't leave yet." i said. "let me get out of the bathroom first."
"alright."
i finished my business in the bathroom and brushed my teeth. i didn't want to kiss her with stinky breath. i walked up to her with open arms, "i love you." i squeezed her. "have fun okay?" i kissed her.
"are you sure you don't want to come with me now?" she asked.
"no, ill see you before the show. i have to get ready." i replied.
