Invisible String || PURINZ

18 • the lie

Chaewon breathed in, and out.

In... and out.

She squeezed Yunjin and Eunchae's hands, trying to see past the blinding lights. She knew there was a lot of shouting, cheering and chanting; and yet it all faded into nothing, despite her ringing ears. It was if the shadow of reality was chasing after her, but not quite fast enough.

Her chest tightened as her eyes darted around. Just a little longer and they'll be done.

The girls lowered their arms. Chaewon followed their movements into a bow, and the black stage was less blinding than the strobe lights above. She counted the lines on the floor, trying to match her breath to each number.

The lights started to fade.

Chaewon let go of the two next to her. Her head throbbed in a way that darkened her vision; she had to get off the stage.

The floor under her feet ebbed away like strong currents in the sea. She swayed a little as her feet brought her to safety, her mind not quite following.

The dim backstage lights made her surroundings easier to take in. She heard Eunchae call something out behind her, but she couldn't quite catch it.

She started to wonder what she looked like right now. Her hands latched onto the metal bar by the wall, her fingers firmly wrapped around it to keep her steady. The coldness brought her a little closer to earth.

She didn't want the others to pity her. She's felt like this for a long time now; longer than she'd ever admit. It started with zoning out, and life feeling like a weird, messed up movie. But then she started to struggle with her breath, and not long ago she'd managed to hide her panic attacks from her members.

She didn't know why, or how. Or why now, of all times. She was supposed to be their leader, the strong one.

Chaewon felt the air leave her lungs.

Stop thinking.

She closed her eyes, leaning her head against the cold wall as her chest rapidly rose up and down.

Her manager was saying something, and someone offered her water.

I'm supposed to stay strong.

She looked back at the curtain separating the backstage from the main stage. She could still see the twinkling of their lightsticks from the crowd.

If only I wasn't such a letdown.

She sucked in a shivery breath.

I should've been better.

She felt warm hands wrap around her thin middle. She recognised Yunjin's touch immediately: her soft hand on her cold skin made the feeling of emptiness inside her stomach less prominent.

Her girlfriend pressed herself against Chaewon's back, holding her tightly. "It's okay, baby. You're okay," She whispered into her ear.

Something burned in the short girl's eyes. She didn't feel okay.

Tears warmed up her cold cheeks. She slowly let go of the metal bar and turned around to face Yunjin, leaning her back against the wall instead.

She looked worried. Beyond worried, even: she was staring at her as if her world was burning down. Chaewon's big eyes met Yunjin's, her bottom lip trembling as she was trying to find lungs in between her gasps of air.

The taller girl cupped her cheek, brushing her tears away with a streak of her thumb.

"I'm sorry," Chaewon breathed.