Lose Your Mind-A Dallas Winston Fanfiction

We Can't Turn Back Now

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.-Martin Luther King Jr.

I decided to skip out of school, I couldn't handle it, I really couldn't. I felt bad about skipping since I had told Darry I was going, but who was going to tell him? Not me, certainly. I headed towards the DX since I knew either Soda or Steve were sure to be there. They would keep my secret about skipping. They learned at a young age not to skip. Sure enough, when I rolled up to the gas station, Soda was ringing up some customer and Steve was underneath some car, working away.

When I cut my engine, Steve gave me a wave and I slipped inside.  The customer was a young woman, maybe only 25 and I could tell she was eyeing Sodapop. She stared at him like he was a celebrity. I tried my best not to let out a laugh when I pretended to be looking at the cigarettes. After she headed out I threw myself up onto the counter, my feet hanging over the sides and swinging.

"What can I do for you, mam?" He grinned, leaning on his elbow and looking up at me.

I played along with his game, "I'm having trouble with my car, so you think you can help me?" I leaned forward to whisper, "Except I don't want that boy out there, I want you...to help me."

I sounded like any other girl who swung through the DX. The girls in Tulsa were crazy about Sodapop, and with his sparkling cerulean eyes and perfect smile, I couldn't blame them. Us two liked to poke fun at the way the girls acted around him, which was just what we were doing right then.

"Mind if I take a look under the hood?" He moved closer to me, his face only inches away from mine and his voice grew deeper.

"I was hoping you would ask." I wrapped my leg around his waist, before both of us busted into laughter.

I'd never had a friend as true and and as close as Soda. We were soulmates in a way. Maybe not romantically, but in a better way. I don't think soul mates always have to be in the romantic way. They can be just about anyone when it comes down to it.

However, my laughter was cut short when I caught Soda staring through the window. He gave an awkward cough and stepped away from me.

Dallas was staring at the both of us and the way our bodies were intertwined. Even from a distance, I could see the hurt on his face. It was like another blow to my armor, knowing I had hurt him again. I hopped off the counter, expecting him to run off when I walked towards him. To my surprise, he stayed still.

"It's not what it looks like, you know." I said softly, barely over a whisper, "It's just pretend."

"It's real to him. He loves you." He stated, no anger in his voice. "You love him too."

"He's my best friend, Dallas." I had no defense against his words, "Of course I love him."

He gave a smile at the ground and shook his head, "I tried to tell myself that maybe it wasn't like that between you two. I'm a damn fool for thinkin' any different."

I knew my friendship with Soda had always bothered him. I had a feeling he was always worried that I would just  run off with Soda. In the end, he was right.

"We aren't like that."

"What was that then?" He flipped a cigarette out of his pack.

"It was just something stupid we do. It doesn't mean anything."

"Did we mean anything?" His question was unexpected, but not unwarranted.

"Do you really think it didn't?"

He ran his hands through his thick hair, "I don't know anymore."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, this conversation had been more than a long time coming. It was one I should have had before I even left.

"I loved you, Dally. I was in love with you." I didn't bother looking away.

I wasn't ashamed of loving him, I never was.

"How about now?"

Maybe I should have lied, but I had hurt him enough. He deserved my honesty.

"I don't know, Dallas. I've been gone so long, you know? I'm not the same girl I was before."

I tried my best to hold back the tears in my eyes, but I couldn't. I wiped them as soon as they spilled over the brims of my eyes. He tried his best to wipe them away with his rough hands, but he pulled away without ever reaching my skin. He was hesitant in caring for me, and I couldn't blame him.

"Then why do I still love you, Ice? Why am I still in love with you?" Anger flared in his voice, but I wasn't the one he was angry at.

He was punishing himself, for letting his walls down and letting me see the side of him nobody else got to see. 

"I get that you don't love me, maybe you never did. But, I need something to change. I need you to go or I need you to stay. I can't handle us livin' somewhere in between."

I was a coward, for how I had been loving him. I never had the intention of staying with him. I was too scared to, too scared of the hurt that it could bring me. I had made him love me with no intention of ever staying with him to nurture it.

I made no attempts to cover my tears this time, "I'm sorry, Dallas. I'm sorry about everything I ever did to you." I tried my best to slow my breathing, "I hate myself for it all, you've got to believe me. I never meant to hurt you that bad...I just..."

"Just what? What are you so scared of?" His eyes were blazing, demanding an answer.

"I don't want you to hurt me."

All the anger in his face drained from his face when I spoke those words, "You think I would hurt you?"

I looked down at the ground, but he pulled my chin up with his index finger, "Look, I know I ain't the best guy, I know that. But, all I've ever wanted to do is protect you. I would never hurt you."

Maybe I believed him, and maybe I didn't. All I knew was I was too damn tired to keep fighting myself and fighting him. I just wanted to sleep for a while, without having to look over my shoulder. And if Dallas was there to ensure I could do that, that was enough for me.

"I love you." He uttered the same words to be the night Curly died, "Always have always will." 

"I love you too." 

After I said it, I was sure for the first time in my life that I had meant it. Before, I had been saying it for someone else or I was just in plain denial. But this was the first time I had said it, and meant it with every fiber of my being.