Aroace thoughts/rants, poems more

Reasons I should have know I was Aroace

So i was in elementary school so it makes sense why I didn't know, I had no idea the word existed, I barely knew about gay people. But there were sings even when I was a kid that I did not view romance the same as everyone else and I didn't realize that.

So first, let's talk about crushes. I got two points here. The first is what I thought a crush was.

So I thought having a crush was basically mandatory. I knew you had to at least like the person, but I didn't really understand it was like them in that way or that you were to find them attractive. I thought the whole point of having a crush, was to keep your crush a secret from your crush and the rest of your class. I thought it was a game basically.

So I thought you could tell your friends if you  wanted to but if anyone you didn't want to know found out, that was bad. But not as bad as your crush finding out so if someone found out about your crush you'd have to convince them not to tell. And if your crush found out you liked him and it wasn't a secret anymore and everyone in the class knew, you lost.

Bc of this I had a crush that lasted one moring and a crush that lasted two years. (Well they weren't real crushes since I didn't like them romantically but you know what I mean)

I had a crush on this kid in 1st grade. My friend asked me who my crush was and I was like oh shoot I'm in, I gotta pick someone. So I chose this dude who I thought was funny. (My "crushes" were always funny) and told her it was him, then my friend stabbed me in the back and told the one dude in our grade who always had something against me I hated him too but this dude tells the whole class that morning so I'm like "damn I can't have a crush on him anymore"

Then in second grade I realized I didn't have a crush and I needed to pick one (bc I thought it was "mandatory" so I picked this dude who made me laugh one time bc I thought "he's been funny lately and no one will guess that I have a crush on him so I will win. It's perfect. No one will find out" like girl it's not about people finding out 😭

Summer comes and I remember thinking in my head "so do I still have a crush on him? It's summer so no one can really find out bc we aren't in school? I guess crushes don't count in the summer and it will resume when we go back"

No one ever found out I had a crush on him and then he cut me in line to get ice cream at lunch so I was like "nope. You suck"

My next point about crushes kinda goes with this, but I didn't know they were supposed to be attractive. And most of the time I didn't think my crushes were cute. It was based soley on the fact they were funny (besides that one I just told you about. He was more so based on how I one would guess I had a crush on him)

My friends would litterally say "him? But he'd ugly" when I'd tell them my crush and I wouldn't even deny it is the thing. I would say "looks don't matter" or "but he's funny" like I never got the importance of looks. 

I just find it funny bc like looking back it makes me feel afrimed in my aroaceness and I'm not just aroace out of the stubbornness in me to reject sex and romance culture. Like I have always been Aroace.

I wish I found out sooner tho bc I was embrassing when I had a crush bc I was following how I thought I was supppsed to act based off movies. And for nothing bc I didn't even like those guys. There was one crush I had who was actually my friend and I swear I wish I could go back in time and tell child me "no it's not a crush stupid it's friendship."

But yeah that's all I have to say, so thanks so much for listening and I hope you have a fantastic day/night. Take care 💚💜