Only If It's You (Ben Drowned Fanfic) [1st Place in Ben Drowned 2016]

Chapter Three: It's Time

Dear Diary,

Nothing has changed much since the past few weeks staying here. I still see spirits roaming about and I'm still holding back on painting again. I only normally see the spirits on the streets though. Except... maybe the only thing different now is that I grew a few more muscles along my jaw from smiling so much. It's still so strange how numb a feel. Nothing makes me that excited anymore and... even being around others who I love dearly isn't enough to make me happy.

I think my brother is starting to notice that. Among other things... He caught me... allowing myself to be poisoned. You see... My dad left the car on in the garage and I was home alone. I noticed it when i went down to do my laundry and I decided to go back into my room like I never saw it. I wanted to make it look like an accident. I thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to cheat myself out of Malcolm's promise. What better way could I possibly die without harming myself? Why don't I just... let fate run it's course? But he arrived home before the fumes could even build up. He smelled something funny and went down to check it out before he came up to my room to ask me if I even smelled it while he was gone. I told him no. Throughout the conversation, I hid my look of disappointment, but I think he still noticed it.

Ever since then...

Ever since then, Malcolm's been reminding me about my promise and how proud he was of me for not breaking it. He even bought me a few games as a reward. Heck, I guess you could say he was bribing me. But... Every time he mentions it, it feels like a weak punch to the gut. It's like he's telling me that what I'm doing isn't enough and what I was thinking wasn't right.

By now... And by looking back at the entries in my diary, I feel like such an idiot. I'm not that angry anymore. In fact, I'm starting to feel kind of hopeless and... almost half alive. Like a zombie in disguise. Always smiling to look like their breathing. Constantly acting like they're okay so people would just leave them alone. I know now that suicide isn't the right thing, but...

I'm not the type to break promises, but... I really don't want to be here anymore. It's like walking constantly underwater. A black, murky kind of water. Everything is muffled and everything feels calm, yet suffocating at the same time. You can't see anything ahead of you and you sort of feel like you want to end it all. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way. I never had these feelings before I died. At least back then, I had a purpose. I had a reason to die. I see it as immature now, to die in order to punish my mother, but even though I see it as wrong now, I still...

I still want it to end.

I don' know if I should tell my dad or Malcolm about how I've been feeling lately. I don't know if I should even trust them with my secret. They always act like they're walking on thin ice around me. It's like they're expecting me to crack like my mother did.

Is that it?

Am I crazy?

Is that what's wrong with me?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lynette sat on her bed, facing her television set. Her controller clacked away as she bit her lips, trying to finish up the mission she was supposed to get done in order to pass to the next section of the story. Right now, she was playing her childhood. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. She was currently trying to get the Golden Gauntlets in Ganon's Castle. As she played, memories of her youth and  game-play flooded into her mind. Lynette remembered her brother playing it while she sat on his lap. He always looked like he was solving the hardest puzzles when playing this game. At the time, she didn't quite understand how hard it was because she was only watching. But now, she realized it was actually quite difficult.