The Devil In I

7. The Moments to Live For

8:00pm.
The next day
Ricky's POV

I stood backstage, staring at the guitar in my hands thinking about all that had happened recently.
First, I saw TJ.
Next, I relapsed.
Then, Ryan-Ashley and Balz lost their kid.
Then, I almost killed myself.
And lastly, just yesterday, Ryan asked me to marry him.

"Come on, Rick," Chris nudged my shoulder as Vinny walked onstage, quickly followed by Balz and Devin.

I nodded briefly and walked onstage.
I looked around. The sun was half way through setting, the sky was a dark orange, pinkish color, with no clouds present.
The trees barely swayed in the wind, I felt a light breeze through the entire place.
I looked at the crowd. The sweat-covered, yet beautiful people pressed against the gates, shoulder to shoulder, reaching their hands out and shouting. Some of them have face paint, some of them don't. Some of them are dressed up in something fancy or scary head to toe, some of them are dressed normally. But when it comes down to it, those are fans. Fans of our band who have supported us, whether they just heard of us a few weeks ago or they've been with us since the beginning, whether they know all our names or are just in it for the music. From ages twelve to thirty, maybe younger, maybe older. Those are our fans.

I look over at Ryan and smile. He smiles at me as well.

These are the moments I live for. Suddenly all reasons to try to kill myself are gone. I live for this. I live for the brief smiles at my partner, that mean so much. I live for admiring the beauty at our venues. I live for playing music to keep others alive. I live for our admirable fans who may think I don't love them as much as I do, but I'd tell them how much they mean to me if such words existed for how damn much I love them.

Because if it wasn't for these moments, I'd be in the ground by now. I smile again, thinking about how great my life was after joining this band and how much better it can get.
This is my life, there's no more reason to take it.
But there's so many reasons to love it, and adore the people around me.

These are the reasons to stay alive. Sure, I might be in my late twenties but there's still an entire life ahead of me. And I get to spend it with Ryan. I get to spend it playing music. I get to live my life, one day at a time.

Who knows? I might have a family in the future as well. Maybe they'll be musicians. Hell, even if they aren't known as a metalcore guitarist's kid, people will still love them because I'll teach them the great things about life, I'll tell them to be nice to everyone they meet because you never know what that person is going home to. I'll teach them reasons to stay alive and stay happy.

And that makes me think. What are these fans going home to? Abusive families or a luxury household? Either way, I still give each performance my all, I make each show count, because if I found reasons to live, maybe they can find reasons through our music.

But I'm still in awe at all that my life has become. I'm living my dream and touring with Slipknot, my band and crew consists of my best friends, my second family, my reasons to live.

I've conquered my past, I've become a new person.

I'm alive and well. And I've got a reason, now.