Carmen's P.O.V.
No! No, no, no! This can't be possible! It's not! There is no way I can be pregnant. I just can't be. I can't even take care of myself, let alone a child. And what if it's not Austin's? What if it's Marcus's? Or worse yet, my father's? I mean, that would make more since, especially if it were my father's. It could've been from one of the times he raped me a few months ago. Then this would be normal- the growing stomach, the morning sickness, the mood swings. But somehow through all the alcohol and drugs and crazy shit that's buzzing around in his mind, my father usually remembers to use a condom. Or I do. I don't think I've ever not had safe sex- or rape- with my father except for that first time, which was years ago. So how was this possible? It must be either Marcus's or Austin's. I pray to god it's Austin's. Having his father's baby would just be plain gross. Having anyone's baby is just gross to me. I know I said that I wanted to have a child, but now that it actually came down to it, I'm really scared. I can't be a mom! I can't raise a kid here. I don't even know how much longer I'm going to survive here. I probably won't last two seconds after Austin's father sees that I've been healed. I couldn't do this. I couldn't have a child, not here, not now. Not ever!
I looked up at Austin's face and knew that he felt the same. He wasn't father material and up until about an hour ago I thought he hated me. Obviously, his feelings had changed. I'm sure they would just change right back now that he knew I was pregnant. Because he had been sitting there staring at my stomach for about an hour with a stony expression while I just hyperventilated.
Watching Austin's expression get harder and harder scared me. It made me feel horrible and even more miserable. I couldn't do this, especially not without help. We would both die, me and the baby that is, sooner or later. Why let the baby go through that when it's alive. Why not just get this over with now. The more I thought about it, actually, the more I knew it was a pretty good idea. I was planning on killing myself just a few days ago, why not carry out the plan now. I thought and thought and though, suddenly ecstatic about my new plan. Soon, I would be done. I would be able to go live with my mom and my sister. I would get to see my favorite grandmother again that died just before my mom did. I wouldn't ever have to go through this torture again, and I wouldn't have to raise a child. I wouldn't have to worry about protecting it, and then feel guilty when I couldn't. Tonight, I finally decided. I would do it tonight. I would ask Austin if he could go get me something or other and then take that opportunity to fling myself off the balcony or something. It was perfect. I would do that as soon as I could, but first....
I flew up off the bed, knocking Austin aside, and ran full speed to the bathroom. I made it just in time to throw up into the toilet. I hadn't eaten in two days, so it wasn't long before I was just heaving again, my stomach trying to find something to dislodge. It was a while before I could even breath again and then I just sat there for a long time, resting my sweaty head on the toilet seat. I finally got up the strength to raise my hand and flush the toilet. A few minutes later I stood up and wobbled over to the sink, splashing my face with cold water. Austin hadn't come in when I was puking and I looked in the mirror now to see that he was nowhere to be found in the room that was reflected back to me. He must've left. He has to be seriously freaked out. Don't blame him. I am, too.
I walked slowly back to bed and just sat there for a minute, thinking. So many horrible things happened while I was here, but I still did not regret coming here. I got to be with Austin, see his face and hear his voice, whether he was screaming at me or not. He really was truly amazing and so sweet when you get to know him. The real him, anyway. He'll make a wonderful husband one day. I found that I actually envied the girl who would get to be with him, have a life and a family with him. I wonder if he'll hate me for doing this, or if he would be grateful. I was doing it regardless of his feelings, though. I know that's probably really selfish and uncaring of me, but I couldn't take this. I can't do it all alone. And I would be alone. That I was sure of.
