His Lingering Touch

Chapter 8: Not broke just bent

©sprinklemycupcake

Chapter 8: Not broke just bent

"Don't trust what you see, even salt looks like sugar."

— Unknown

My heart hurt and I was exhausted, emotionally and physically spent. Remembering that morning had brought all these feelings back up and it was overwhelming. It was like re-living the moment my life came crashing down all over again. After my little, well, big meltdown, Jason had been quiet — still holding me — but quiet for most part. I didn't like the silence because I felt like he knew something I didn't. He was holding off on information that he clearly had to tell me. His body was tense and tight as he held me. The crying had stopped a few minutes ago but only because of his soft whispers and rocking. Childish I know, but I was on the verge of a panic attack.

Some may read this and think, all this because of a guy? It's ridiculous I know, and I was in wrong for putting my everything into him. I depended on him too much, I was so invested that when it came down to being on my own, I struggled like hell to accept that I was going to be living a world without him. To raise our daughter by myself and most of all force myself to stop loving him.

Before Jason, I had dated a total of 3 guys in my past. 2 out of the 3 I genuinely believed I was utterly and completely in love with. I mean, the first one was a given because first boyfriend, first love blah blah blah. Turns out there was a bet on how long it took to sleep with me. Safe to say, there was no sex and I dumped his arse.

Second guy broke up with me because he moved away after high school and didn't want to do long distance relationships. I cried for about 2 weeks.

But when I met Jason, I felt something I hadn't felt with neither of those guys. I felt an electric spark that ignited a fire within me. When we were together I couldn't get enough and when we were apart I was physically aching. It was like a current was pulling us together and as much as I had fought it in the beginning, it was inevitable for us to be together.

"Jay don't," he started but then cursed to himself, "Fuck. Please don't cry anymore, I-I cant stand seeing you like this, It's killing me." I almost scoffed at the irony but held my tongue from making any sarcastic comments.

"I know I'm a big asshole for the things I've done but I just want you to know that everything I've done, I've done it because I loved you." My lips twitched as he spoke. He cheated on me because he loved me? How thoughtful. He must've read my thoughts because he chuckled bitterly, "Yeah I know the irony is amazing."

I ignored the hurt I felt on the freshly opened wound and looked at his face, I mean really looked at it. I noticed the frown lines above his brows and the exhaustion that laced his face. His shoulders were slumped and his hands were running through his hair nervously. Something was making him so distraught and I had a nagging feeling it had to do with me.

"I'm stuck between drowning in regret and thankful for doing what I did years ago. I was an idiot for not doing anything more, for not trying enough. Now that I think of it, I would've given up everything to be with you but the sad reality is, that I didn't. The decision I made 5 years ago was to protect you and your future but if I had known Ariel was coming...I'd hope that maybe things would've turned out differently."

He didn't look at me when he spoke, he just stared at the water. Or more like glared at it. I was trying to make sense of his his words, but I couldn't.

"What are you trying to say Jason? I don't...I don't see how you cheating on me was protecting me in anyway." There was no hiding the anger in my voice.