Worldview

The Power of Prayer/Guilt and Forgiveness

Hailee here again.

So... You look at all these Bible stories, and you kinda get this awesome lesson out of it. Well, believe it or not... Often that happens in real life too.  And I'd like to share with you one of my experiences along those lines. This particular experience had two major lessons. It was in June.

But the whole thing actually starts... About a year and a half ago.

So Maundy Thursday of sixth grade was when I met my brother. It didn't take long at all to form a strong bond with him. He told me things that he's told very few others. Secrets I still hold. And the time I spent with him... I only have one memory with him that's not a good memory. Him being that close... I realized that I couldn't let him go to Hell. I had to show him Jesus. But... All the conversations just led to arguments and...

While I have no doubt that he's in Heaven now... I just couldn't shake the feeling that I failed him. It's just... It's always there in the back of my mind. Hidden away in some corner.

When I moved, when I switched to public school, I knew I was getting sent out on a mission field. And then I met a friend, and... So many similarities... Seriously for at least a week pretty much every time I looked at him or heard him I had a flashback to time spent with my brother. It hurt a bit... But I felt like I was getting a second chance. I thought I had learned from my mistakes and could do better. I was worried that the same thing would happen, but.... I also had hope that I could do better this time.

But... I made the same mistakes. I kept trying, but...

And for months I felt like a failure. I hated myself. My goal in life above everything else... I failed it.

There was once I actually let all the guilt catch up to me, and... The only thing keeping me alive was this voice telling me to keep going. That there was still just one person that needed me. Only God kept me alive that day. I felt utterly worthless- like God had finished His plans for me and all that was left to do was die. That was actually in March or April I'm pretty sure. But I broke out of that. Hearing my little  sister say "I love you" to me...

So I snapped out of that. But still... The guilt didn't go away. For months it built up. It started in February and just... Accumulated.

In June, the Monday before the 27th. The week of my church's local youth mission trip. We were in the fellowship hall for the devotion that night.

And I don't remember the exact context. But the devotion was mainly about how God takes all of our mistakes and makes us new, perfect, and uses us despite everything else.

So I said "Sometimes I wonder... If it's possible to mess it up for someone else... If I can make so many mistakes that they're turned away from Christ forever."

And my youth director answered, "You know what? I really don't think it is. Because God has a plan. And God is never caught off guard. He knew from the beginning all the mistakes you were going to make. And... I think that God USES our mistakes to make things even better. And God loves all of us, He's not going to let one person separate His children from Him."

I nodded, fighting back tears.

And then... She showed us a video. And... Here I'll post it in the media section. It's just...

I started crying, and I wasn't really able to say much during the group prayer that closed the devotion.

Then I hugged my dad and he said... "I think I know what you're thinking about. And it's not your fault."

I nodded.

And he continued, "That hope you share with everyone else? That hope is for you too. Share some with yourself too."

The last thing though... "All that guilt... Nail it to the cross."

I nodded, pulled back, and went upstairs to the Sanctuary. It was dark, but I was able to see enough and feel my way among the pews. I knelt before the Altar, and I just... I prayed, and I cried. I told God I was sorry for all my mistakes, I just... And I thanked Him. For forgiving me, for still loving me and using me after everything... I asked Him to take my sins, my guilt, away...

And as I prayed... I could feel... The weight that I had never even noticed that had been building up... The weight of the guilt, the self-hatred... I felt God... Just... Lifting it off of me... A physical burden Jesus was taking for me... My sins I had been holding on to for so long... Finally being nailed to the Cross where they belong...

A woman asked me the next morning if I was okay because out of exhaustion from working all morning I wasn't really smiling, and I truthfully told her "I'm great. I'm better than I have been in months."

So guys... No matter how badly you've messed up... No matter how despicable you feel... You are loved. You are amazing. And God's still using you. You are loved.

I'll post the song as soon as I can get on my computer.

Side note: Brooke, you might want to check your message board... And your library...

Anyway- any questions, comments, concerns, thoughts, whatever else... It can be about this chapter, it can be anything else... We're here for you.

You're amazing, God loves you all.

Again: I am Hailee, Child_of_Hope
Brooke is @BJKaplan.

You can PM us or comment with absolutely anything.

I hope you have a fantastic day!!