Fat // Harry Styles

chapter one

chapter one

PANIC COURSED THROUGH me at the realization that I was late. My heart was pounding to the max, sure to burst at any given moment. I hurried into the little diner, nearly knocking over a waitress in the process. Whether it was from my frenzy or my size, I would never know.

I spotted Justin at a booth in the back, his phone in front of him, seeming calm and collected. Positive I was the only one who noticed his foot rapidly bouncing up and down, I weaved through tables over to him hesitantly. Sheepishly tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I slid into the bench opposite him.

"Sorry I'm late," I said quietly. "I got a call from the gym I signed up for. I can start tomorrow. Can you believe it took them a week and a half to get me a trainer?" I was rambling now, his blank face frightening me.

He was chewing the inside of his cheek, the way he always did when we were in public and he couldn't yell at me. "Since you took so long, I ordered for you."

Please say you got me chicken tenders and fries, like you always used to.

"I got you a salad. Told them to hold the dressing. The dressing is what adds on pounds, you know."

My heart faltered and a lump swelled in my throat, but I composed myself. I was used to this. He was right. Dressing was extra fat and I clearly had plenty of it. He was looking out for me. That's all.

"Thanks," I murmured, just as the waitress came by with two waters. I took a sip merely to distract myself from his mocking stare.

Instinctively, I flinched when I saw his hand rising. He gave me a pointed look before placing his hand over mine, giving it a little squeeze. His gaze softened and his voice lightened, a small smile spreading over his face. My mind whirled from how quickly his moods changed.

"I don't think I told you, but I'm proud of you," he said. "For getting a trainer. You'll look like your beautiful old self in no time."

"Because I'm not beautiful now?" I partially teased, partially prayed he'd correct me.

He didn't.

His hand left mine and he leaned back in the booth, averting his eyes.

If my heart wasn't broken before, it was in a billion pieces now.

I would've cried right then and there, I was sure of it. But the waitress appeared with our food and no way could I cry in front of her. Surely she'd make her own comment on how disgusting I looked, crying or not. Ugly when I try, ugly when I'm weak. There was never any advantage for me.

So when Justin dug into his juicy double cheeseburger, I picked at my naked lettuce, determined to gain the points I lost long ago.

***

The last time I was this nervous, I was standing in front of an auditorium full of people awaiting to hear the winners of the cheer competition. It had been me and a tall blonde from a private school no one had heard of standing side by side, barely able to keep our knees from buckling from the suspense.

When my name had been shouted as the victor, I cried.

When my name had just been called as the fat girl desperate to lose weight, I almost cried.

The receptionist was waving her hand in my face, grasping my short attention span. She repeated what she had told me before: my trainer was down the hall ready to meet with me. She pointed the way and I scurried from her gratefully yet anxiously.

It was a short walk to the hallway where the trainer's offices were, much to my dismay. I was trying to put this off for an eternity, but knew it had to be done. Justin said he was proud of me for doing this. I had to make sure he stayed proud of me.