Trying to Breaking the Silence

Prologue

I've often wondered how it was possible for people to change as drastically as they often do. Do they really change? Or is it not the people themselves that change, but everything else that has an effect on their surrounding environment and circumstances...thus making it appear more logical to assume that it is indeed the person themselves that has changed and nothing else?

For example..how is it that the people that come and go for brief periods in our lives are only capable of making the most inconceivably minimal changes to our lives, but the ones that come into our lives permanently are capable of creating such drastic changes that the world seems to invert itself? Shouldn't it be the impact of those come and gone, and what they leave behind that's capable of that degree of chaos?

I contemplate this theory daily as I observe my consistently dreary surroundings as well as the people that intermittently occupy them. I haven't always been an observer by nature. In fact, for most of my childhood years, I was quite the opposite. I had friends, I had family, and as far as I was concerned, I had places to go and people to see. The lives and surroundings of those around me meant virtually nothing...well as long as it wasn't affecting my day to day life.

But all that changed. One by one things changed. At first, nothing was entirely noticeable. The changes seemed to affect nothing. Or maybe I was just oblivious to anything outside my own bubble. It seems the only definitive answer I have is that it seems I woke up one day and everything changed. Everything.

If I could go back, I would. But only to see how everything changed so dramatically. I'm not saying that my life this far has been a regular bucket of sunshine, but for the most part I've been as content as I believe possible under the circumstances. I've always been the suffer in silence type of person, even before the silence part of that character trait took on such a drastic new meaning over the past few years.

It's been over 5 years since I've spoken a word. Not one peep, grunt, or even a scream to rid myself of any stress or anxiety. In the beginning, it was just because I simply couldn't, but quickly the reason was taken over by fear. Fear that one even barely audible sound would cause my world to come crashing down around me yet again.

Over time, the silence simply became a protection to those around me. I had lost everything that ever truly meant anything to me, and really it would have been a blessing to have been able to just make one sound to make everything stop. The pain, the inevitable build up of emotions, the emptiness...everything. However, that would have been the most selfish act I could have ever committed. For in the wake of the absolution of my desolate and nightmarish life, the normal and peaceful lives of those around me could and almost undoubtedly would be thrown into chaos unnecessarily. So I vowed to keep silent...if only to spare them my existence.

I know there are probably millions of questions floating around in response to my cryptic explanation, but I promise...in due time all answers shall be received. For now, however, I need to fulfill my seemingly fathomless curiosity. I wonder how many others will answer the following questions as I do. If their answers will be the same as mine, despite the desperation with which I sought for the light at the end of the blackened tunnel.

Is it just because of what I have experienced that leads me to answer as I do, or does everyone on some level retain the knowledge that some things are worth fighting for. That some things are invaluable. That happiness, above all, sometimes requires that a person walk down a path in life that they would have otherwise veered away from at all costs.

With that said...if you could be certain that all the hardships, pain, and frustration you endured would lead you to profound happiness...to what degree would you be willing to suffer? How much would you be willing to sacrifice? How much would you be willing to lose?

My name is Bella Swan...and my answer is...everything.