Trying to Breaking the Silence

Finding Yourself in the Dark

When will this be over? It feels like it's been days. I just want this to be OVER! I can't take it anymore. Oh God, what am I going to do if they're not okay. I didn't mean to let it slip out. I didn't mean to lose control of it. It's all my fault. If something happened to them it's all my fault.

Calm down! It isn't your fault! They're going to be fine!

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?!

Bella...Grammy Marie had a heart attack in her sleep. You didn't kill her.

YES I DID! I spoke to her for the first time that night....and she DIED! And what about my parents?! THAT was MY fault too!

You speaking to Grammy Marie had NOTHING to do with her death. And your parents? THAT wasn't your fault either! You aren't the one that did those horrific things. You were hurt too...or do you not remember that? Do you not recall WHY you couldn't speak for so long after that incident? It wasn't fear that held you back...like it does now...

SHUT UP!! Why are you talking NOW? You've been silent for HOURS!!!

You ass...I've been here the whole time. I have to be...I'm YOU!

But I don't want to listen to you right now! I just want to wake up! I want to make sure that everyone's okay! That I didn't hurt them! And listening to you ISN'T helping!

FINE! I'll go away...but you're going to listen to what I have to say first. It's time you face the truth. You had nothing to do with anything that's happened. NOTHING! Your parents died because someone wanted those men to kill them...and you Bella. Don't you get it? It had nothing to do with you! Why do you think Charlie moved you all to Phoenix? He was trying to protect you from what he knew was coming! He knew what could happen. When the time is right you'll learn all the details of what happened. For now all you need to realize is that it WASN'T your fault. What those men did to your family was barbaric and sadistic...but you, Bella, had NOTHING to do with it.

Yes it was. It was my fault. They found us because of me. If I would have stayed quiet like Dad told me to, they wouldn't have found us. They'd still be alive. We could have been back home...and EVERYTHING would be normal. I would be normal.

You were 10. You were terrified. It wasn't your fault. No one can blame you for what happened.

Yes they can. And they SHOULD! I lost control over my voice...just like I did last night! I have to be stronger. I can't let this happen to people just because I lose control! Especially people I love...

You're never gonna get it...just you wait. You'll see. When you wake up and see that everyone's okay...you're going to question everything you believe to be true. And when you finally realize just how wrong you were, I'll be sitting here on the inside, smugger than shit. Because Bella, you are the world's most stubborn ASS!

Whatever....stupid voice!

Quit calling yourself stupid...God you're a MORON!...but that's besides the point. There is going to come a time, when you are going to put all of this past you...

NO THERE WON'T...THIS ISN'T GOING TO GO AWAY!

Quit interrupting and just listen...please.

Fine

There is going to come a time, when you are going to put all this past you. The ONLY thing I want you to know...and remember...is to not be afraid. You've been so strong for so long, but you are going to need to be stronger to get past this nonsense. You're going to have to be strong enough to face your past, and strong enough to overcome it. Strong enough to not only hear the truth about the things that happened, but to accept that truth and put this damn blame that you hold on yourself down...because it ISN'T yours to hold. You have people in your life that love you, and want to help you. And when the time comes...they will be there for you. All this time that you've felt alone...you've been anything but alone. You have to be strong enough to let them in...and not run away like you have been. They're there Bella. You just have to let them in. But for now...it's time to wake up. Be strong Bella...and face the truth head on. If you need me...you know where to find me, afterall...I'm you. Wake up now...your family is waiting for you...