Trying to Breaking the Silence

Maniacal Awakenings

Slowly, ever so slowly, the darkness began to fade. The slightest hints of light began to break through, luring me further and further away from my prison. As the light became brighter around me, I became more aware of my surroundings. I could hear birds chirping somewhere in the distance, I could faintly smell the fabric softener on my blanket, I could feel my muscles coming back to life slowly. But, something was different. Something felt different, smelled different, and even sounded...different. I tried in vain over and over again to open my eyes and find what was so different about waking up this time.

Are you there?

Of course I am. How could I not be...I'm you, remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great I talk to myself...how much better can this get?

The only difference between us is that I'm the part of you that you lock away. I'm your voice...but I am YOU.

So that was YOU last night? YOU put them in danger?! How could YOU?!?

Ugh, Bella. I'm a VOICE! I don't have control over that! If I did I never would have allowed you to lock me away in the first place. This is pointless... what does it matter what part of you I am? I'm part of you... that's all that matters. Now what did you want?

Why does this feel so different? It's never felt this way waking up before.

It feels different, because it IS different. When you open your eyes...you'll have your answer. Remember what I said. You have people that love you, and they want to help you.

Okay...hey what did you mean earlier when you said that if I needed you I knew where to find you? If you're me than why would I need to find you? That doesn't make any sense!

Because, when the time comes for you to find your strength and face the truths of your past...you're going to need me. And when you get there, I'll be here...waiting... just as I have been for 5 years. I'll be here, I promise. For now..it's time to wake up. Open your eyes...

My mental voice faded as my consciousness became fully aware. I laid still for a few moments, just becoming familiar with my surroundings again. I moved my fingers slightly, getting accustomed to the sensations of using my muscles after being literally frozen for God knows how many hours.

It's always so disorienting coming out of this state. It feels like being slammed into by a wall of sensations after being locked away from any sort of external stimuli for a lifetime. It's extremely overwhelming, and the only thing you can do is wait for the sensations to fade back to a normal level.

It's a truly duplicitous sensation. On one hand, it's the most terrifying part of the whole experience. It even trumps the darkness. At least in the darkness nothing filters through...nothing. No thoughts, no feelings, no sensations...nothing. It's only in the beginning and end stages that you can feel, or hear anything...and only for a short period.

The bulk of the time spent being locked in yourself is just that, being locked up. It's almost as if you don't even exist...It's just empty. Completely silent and blank, yet another duplicitous sensation. It's unnerving to know that not even your own thoughts can't penetrate the darkness in those stages, but yet it's oddly comforting that for that time, you're completely at ease, simply because nothing can penetrate it. It's like a safe haven during those impenetrable hours.

On the other hand, the awakening part is also inexplicably calming. To know that you haven't been lost permanently, to know that you are coming back to those you love, to know that you aren't alone, is soothing. Every time this happens, my biggest fear is not being able to come back...being permanently trapped in that state. It's absolutely terrifying.