the heir's secret

The virgin Mary

I have not cried once since I had my panic attack and I have become more used to being an orphan as the weeks have passed. My father had expected too much from me since my birth. He had wanted a perfect daughter and as his only child he expected many sons from me, he wanted a beautiful daughter to stand by his side as he bowed to the king with his grandchildren by his ankles. But I had given him none of that. I had refused every husband he had betrothed me to and one time even threatened to kill myself if he made me marry Lord Charles of Yorkshire. I was thirteen and Charles was forty two, fat and an alcoholic, he already had four bastard children from whores and my father wanted me to marry him for his own power, I was a pawn in a silly chess game he was playing. When I refused that day he had vowed that I would go to hell and burn there for all eternity. So here I am today, unmarried with no children at the age of nineteen, but I stand by Elizabeth's side, not many women can say that, and she brings me so much happiness, I am much happier with her than I would ever be in some pathetic man's arms.

I have never desired the touch of men, my tutor had found it strange and I had even been encouraged to flirt with boys but my views had never changed. Elizabeth once told me that she had been slapped on the hand by her tutor when she had asked her a personal question about men. She had just been curious I suppose. We are taught that it is UN ladylike for women to even hint to others that they think about sexual things, though I have never had that problem.

Robert Dudley arrived at Heveningham last week and Elizabeth was so happy to see him, I did not see her for a whole hour as they just talked in her library laughing and crying together. I have been so bored since he arrived because Elizabeth just talks to him all day and I am left to sow in the corner. The other day I had asked if we could have some musicians over so that we could dance and she had agreed. But when they did come Elizabeth just danced with Dudley and I was left alone. I do not like to admit it for it is a sin but I am jealous of Dudley. Every time he visits I am pushed aside like an unused chair in a lavish room, I cannot fathom why she likes him so much, I just don't understand.

Elizabeth laughs suddenly rather loudly making me look up. He is teaching her how to play a tune he made up on the lute, rather badly as Elizabeth never seems to get it right.

"I can't do it, I give up." She giggles while giving him back the lute. "Why not play us Greensleeves, I have always liked that tune."

"As it pleases you, my lady." Elizabeth giggles as he prepares his hands for the first note. He strings it slowly and then begins to play and the familiar tune fills my ears. It is such a beautiful tune. I watch intently at his hands as he changes with each new note, my foot starts tapping the floor to the beat and I look at Elizabeth to see that she is looking out the window. The light rain hits the glass with light taps almost in beat with the tune and I watch as each raindrop hits the glass and then slides down making a beautiful lined pattern as each drip overlaps and combines with the one before.

Robert finishes the tune with one small strum and we both applause, making him smile. Suddenly lady Fisher enters the room and I curse under my breath as she bows making the material of her dress rustle with each movement.

"My lady." She says, addressing Elizabeth. "Will you go to church with me to pray for Prince Phillip of Spain's safe voyage to England." If God really cares then he will sink Phillips ship before he reaches our shores.

"Forgive me." Elizabeth replies, "But I do not wish to get a fever from stepping out into the rain." Elizabeth must know that lady Fisher will tell Mary of this refusal.

"But your Grace, surely you must care about the well being of your new king."

"Of course." Elizabeth replies, "But I do not wish to get unwell, my lady Fisher." Lady Fisher opens her mouth to say more but she stops as she realises that she will not change Elizabeth's mind so she bows and then leaves.

"You should have just gone." I say as soon as she is out of ear shot.

"I do not wish to. I do not want God thinking I care for that Spanish bastard, if we are lucky he will drown at sea." Mary announced to everyone only last week that she was betrothed to her cousin Prince Phillip II of Spain. I am sure she only married him because he is a devout Catholic like her. She cares nothing for her people, she just wants everyone to be Catholic, she cares about nothing else. The commons realised straight after she announced it how such a real threat this match is to English independence and they begged Mary to reconsider, but she stood firm.

"Do you know what that woman made me do yesterday?" Elizabeth asks me as Robert stands up to pour himself some wine. "She made me kiss the statue of the virgin Mary's feet for forgiveness for my life of sins. Then she made me pray for three hours, kneeling before the statue. My knees are red and raw today." Like Elizabeth, I don't really understand what all this praying was about. When I was a Protestant I prayed before eating and bed, that is all God needs to know you are thankful. I think the Catholic faith is crazy but obviously many don't as thousands in England have converted to Mary's faith.

"What do you think he will do when he is king?" I ask as I rise to look outside the window. I see Lady Fisher running towards the church holding her hands above her head so her hair doesn't get wet.

"Well he will take control." Elizabeth replies. "Mary is weak and feeble and she will do his every command, it will not take that much effort to take control of England, and she will most probably let him."

"Then we are all going to perish." Elizabeth gets up and stands beside me taking my hand in hers.

"Not us, We shall stay strong." She smiles at me and I start to believe her, we must stay together, it may be the only way we can survive the fire that blazes before us.