the heir's secret

forgiveness

"I can't do this!" I cry as the carriage stops. I grip onto my seat, refusing to stand.

"Kate, if you don't do this now, you will never have another chance." I shake my head, refusing to give in. It's not that I don't want to, by God I want to run in there, take her in my arms and kiss her, that is what I would do if I had no fear. I fear what she will say to me, will she turn me away again? I don't think I could bear it, not again. "Kate," Maud looks at me with concern and pity. "If she turns you away then so be it, at least you will be able to look at yourself without guilt, knowing that you tried. But if you turn away now, you know that you will never forgive yourself." Maud takes my hand, squeezing it slightly in a friendly grasp, she smiles at me as her baby sniffles in her arms. She leans over me opening the door by my side, I take a deep breath before stepping out of the carriage.

The smell of summer flowers fill my nostrils as I step into the rays of the Sun. My corset hugs my stomach as I lean down, minding my head from the roof of the carriage. I look around myself, taking in my surroundings as Maud steps out. A guard, with his sword on his hip steps towards us, his beard blowing slightly in the light breeze.

"Who are you and what is your business here?"

"We have come to see her Grace princess Elizabeth." Maud replies, her lips stretched into a wide smile.

"Does her Grace acquire your presence?"

"We were not summoned, but I am sure she will be delighted to see us. Tell her Grace that her friends Maud and Kate are here." He looks at both of us before turning around and walking back inside the gate, leaving us standing awkwardly in front of the iron bars as if locked in a prison.

"She will turn us away." I cry, as I watch him talk to another guard who then walks down the path towards Hatfield house.

"No she will not." Maud replies adamantly. We stand in silence for the next few minutes, waiting nervously for the guards return. The sweet smell of the flowers become sickening as I imagine Elizabeth spitting and cursing at the mention of my name. After a while I see a head appear at the bottom of the path that I recognize as the guard returning, I take a step back, preparing myself for having to turn away and go back inside the carriage.

My palms sweat at my side's and I rub them on the red material of my dress as the gate opens before us and the same guard as before approaches us.

"Her Grace the lady Elizabeth welcomes you both to Hatfield." I let out a sudden exasperated breath I didn't even know I was holding. Has she finally forgiven me? Maud takes my hand, leading me inside, the gate shuts behind us with a loud clang as Maud leads me down the path. My breathing is unsteady and I try to calm it as my heartbeat shudders in my ears.

"Try to calm yourself." Maud whispers into my ear. She must be wondering why I am so scared, I'm sure if she knew she would curse me to hell. She is a Catholic like Mary, but maybe doesn't have as many morals. Finally we reach the main part of the palace gardens. I look around, remembering every part of it. The bushes, expertly cut surround the fountain of different coloured flowers. Reds, pinks, purples and blues fill my eyes like a rainbow in the sky, their smell strong and thick like a rich woman's perfume. I take in the smell, remembering long summer walks. At home I had tried to grow such flowers but I had never achieved anything like this.

"Her Grace wishes to see you both." The guard says. I turn around suddenly and face him, I had completely forgotten he was there. He turns around, leading us to her. We walk in silence through the mountains of ivy and vines until we reach a plain piece of land with only grass and a few trees. I remember this place. We used to ride our horses, racing each other to the woods, until our stomachs were hurting with laughter and we were breathless with happiness.

Suddenly I see a figure underneath a tall tree, hair fallen down her back like the flames of a fire, she looks off into the distance, staring at the peacefulness of the land. We bow low when we reach her, my hands shaking at my side.

"Hello, Elizabeth."

"Maud," Elizabeth replies, her voice soft like silk. Maud stands beside me and walks towards her, holding her baby out towards her. Elizabeth takes the baby, looking at her face and smiling. "Are you well?"

"Very well," Maud replies, "the cottage is a dream and we're getting along just fine aren't we, baby." She says, taking the babies small hand in hers, smiling down at her with huge pride. Suddenly Elizabeth looks at me, I turn away in shame, staring off into the distance. There is silence for a while until I hear small whispers. I look towards them again to see Maud whispering quiet words to Elizabeth, I try to listen in but as soon as I try she stops, smiles at Elizabeth and then walks towards me.

"You're fine." She whispers, patting me on the arm. She smiles at me and then walks back down the hill, towards Hatfield, her baby in arms. My palms begin sweating again as I realize we are alone. This is it. I look towards her awkwardly to notice that she is too looking off into the distance, her arms by her side in an awkward position.

"Hello." Really, Kate out of all the things to say? I curse myself silently as she turns and looks at me. My heart flips in my chest but she looks just as nervous as me.

"Hello." She replies, her voice comical. I expect her to say something and start a conversation like she normally does but she says nothing.

"I forgot how beautiful this view was." I laugh nervously.

"Yes." She replies. I look at her again. Her hair moves softly in the breeze.

"I shouldn't have come, I know you told me not to, Maud made me."

"I know what I said." She says as she turns her head and looks at me, staring intently at me. "I was angry when I told you never to come back, I have calmed."

"I don't deserve your forgiveness for what I did." Elizabeth laughs, shocking me.

"I know exactly why you did it, you were scared. Your pride stopped you from coming back. I think that is your biggest fault."

"I don't understand," I reply, lines of confusion appearing on my forehead, "what I did was unforgivable, I left you, I hurt you."

"You came back. You accepted you were wrong and I've known you long enough to know that is a very rare thing." We look at each other and for a moment it is only the two of us and no one else in the world exists.

"I would be dead now if it wasn't for you." Elizabeth's face drops, now stern and serious.

"Who told you?"

"Why did you not want me to know?" She hesitates, her breathing ragged and unsteady.

"It would show my weakness." An unknown force pulls me towards her and suddenly my hand is on her arm, my heartbeat quickens at the touch of her.

"Love is not a weakness, it's a strength." Since the day I left I have contemplated this idea of love. There is a big difference between smiling when someone enters the room and feeling a tingling feeling in your stomach when another person enters. The love for a friend and the love for a lover are two different feelings but only one can drive you crazy. My whole life I have been told that one day I will fall in love with a man but just because Elizabeth happens to be a woman is it really any different to the love between a man and wife? I want nothing else in my life than to be with her, I know that now.

"I'm so confused." She replies, shaking her head.

"About what?"

"Everything. How is this possible, it doesn't make sense." I take her hand, holding it lightly in my palm.

"I don't care what makes sense and what doesn't. This feels real," I pull her towards me, holding her hands in mine, "and that's all that matters."

The sudden sound of horse hooves disrupts our conversation as we both look towards the gate. They open suddenly and the horses run towards us. Elizabeth lets go of my hands, looking towards the approaching hooves. Finally they reach us and three men jump off their horses, kneeling underneath the tree where Elizabeth stands.

"The Queen is dead, God save the Queen!"