Unplugged: The Beautiful World (#3, Unplugged Trilogy)

Chapter Five

Enna

    Yet another hour of torturous, sleepless solitude ticks by. I thought that contemplating the earlier incident might make it more bearable, but it turned out to be the exact opposite. I was left to wonder, as I stared at the ceiling, if I'm still suffering from the guilt of my brother's being plugged in. I know--I know--that he made his own choice all those months ago, yet something about the memory still tugs at the back of my mind with annoying frequency. And then there's the connection between Mark and Matthew: both of them had chosen the same path at one point. Even though I'm completely aware that Matthew regrets his choice, the fact doesn't seem to settle in my mind. Somehow, I grow even more furious at myself. First I start wigging out and confusing reality with memories, then I begin doubting the trustworthiness of the only people I care about. What next?
    Someone knocks softly on the door outside and cracks it open softly. My heart jumps a little, thinking--or hoping--that it might be Matthew. But then Gale slides into the room and closes the door softly behind her. A sigh escapes my lips.
    "What do you want?" The words come out ruder than I meant them, but Gale doesn't seem to mind. She joins me on the bed, and I get a whiff of sweet soap.
    "I wanted to check up on you." Slightly aggravated, I toss my hands up in the air.
    "Well, here I am. I'm fine."
    "No, you're not."
    "How do you know?"
    "Because I can see the conflict within you." I open my mouth and choke out a short laugh. But I'm far from amused. In fact, a thrill of denial stirs in my chest. Gale shakes her head and fixes me with her clear brown stare.
    "I know that Josh and Alice just died. I get that. We're all upset about that. But there's something different with you. Matthew is spending time with his mother, he's trying to move forward. I'm trying to move forward from my husband. Victoria's trying to move forward. But you're not." I stare at her uncomprehendingly, hands starting to shake. I grip the sheets of the bed.
    "You're saying that... that I'm not trying?"
    "Of course not," she soothes, tucking the loose strands of hair behind her ears.
    "Then what?" She stares at me blankly and I raise my voice, aggravated. "Then what? What do you want from me!?"
    I know that my anger is unjustified, completely impulsive, and childish. But isn't all anger just that? Spurred on by a childlike sense of offense? But I'm not a child. No child should have to worry about these kinds of things. I rise from the bed and storm over to the open window, chest heaving. I watch as the ocean rolls by under the bright sun, tossing up innocent twigs and sand particles. Suddenly, I remember something that Josh had said months ago, when we were on our mock mission for the Training Facility. He said that misery was inevitable.
    "Is Matthew okay?" I ask, trying to steady my breaths. Hot tears boil behind my eyes and I force them back.
    "His nose is broken, but the RoboMeds stopped the bleeding several hours ago. Victoria's with him." Familiar guilt threatens to drown me and I brace myself against the curved window. All of my anger flees. "He'll be alright."
    "Is he mad at me?" I glance at Gale. She sighs and scratches her neck.
    "Of course not. I can't tell you how many times he's asked to see you." Somehow, this fact makes me feel worse. I shake my head, turning around. "He cares about you, Enna. We all do."
    "Well, you shouldn't," I retort.
    "What is this nonsense?"
    "It's the truth! Do you think that was just a one-time thing? That could happen again, and again, and again, and..." The room starts to spin in front of my eyes and I stumble back, sinking onto the bed. I massage my temples with my fingertips. Gale places a hand on my back.
    "Were you thinking about your brother?" I bite my lip and nod. "That wasn't your fault--"
    "I know, Gale. I know. It's just... I don't want that to happen again. To any of you." I swallow, staring at my hands. "I'm afraid that I'm becoming unstable. And I don't want to hurt anyone."
    Gale tugs her eyebrows in as if she disagrees with me, but she doesn't say anything. Instead, she stands and strides towards the door. I lift my head to look at her.
    "Tonight we're going to decide what to do next. Hope you can join us." Without another word, she exits the room and leaves me alone on the bed.