Last Fall

I Watch The Sun

I had grown used to the dull ache that traveled through my bones and I welcomed it every night as I laid wrapped up in the cold sheets. I would watch the moon and beg for it to come back to me because without it the sun just didn't shine as bright anymore. It was dull and I always hated dull. I used to be a vibrant person, with a dark, cynical corner of my mind. I kept the creepy at bay, using tumblr and art as my outlets for all things dark and weird and scary.

Tonight in particular I had no need to look out the window because the moon settled into bed beside me for the first time in over a year. No words were spoken, though many needed to be said.

"We'll talk in the morning." She left no room for discussion. I knew she wouldn't. I couldn't keep running away. I would never fill the holes in my hands and if I continued to hold the weight I couldn't bear, I would get burned. Every 'I'm fine' was giving an appearance of solidity to pure wind. I knew I couldn't go on like this, but I was too tired to try anymore.

"Figured as much." I could tell she was pleased that I wasn't picking a fight. That seemed to be all I was good for toward the end of our relationship. She was explosive because she bottled everything up and I was on edge, drowning in alcohol during the day, so all we did was argue. My job left me suffocating surrounded by air. It was everything I had ever wanted until it wasn't anymore.

I was overworked and overwhelmed. The distance never posed a problem between us until communication was lost along the road. Somewhere we went wrong and by the time I noticed, I was in a different country, far too busy to have time to care. That's what I told myself. I let my head take control and left my heart in the dark until her heart looked down upon my soul.

It was ten o'clock when the nightmares started. Just as they had the night before and the night before that and the night before that... same hour, different scenario. My mind played tricks on me, but no one seemed to see. I wasn't crazy, but they tortured me. I felt as she wrapped her arms around my waist and held me against her as I shook, now out of fear and not passion.

"You were screaming." She was concerned.

"I'm sorry I woke you." I apologized.

"Don't be." Her eyes were sincere. She really did still care.

She didn't let go of me, so I buried myself further into her embrace, unsure of when I may ever get the opportunity to do so again. "Will you sing?" My voice represented what I was in that moment, small and weak.

"What song?" She hummed.

"Sun song?" My voice cracked on song. She considered it for a while before slowly nodding.

The glowing letters on my digital clock read 11:11. It was still October twelfth. Tears slipped down my cheeks with every verse that she sang.

I watch the sun even though i’ll never have her
I let her run even knowing what could happen
‘Cause i am the moon and people at night need to see things too
But i’m far removed wondering if the sun needs the moon too

I watch the sun even though i’ll never have her
The only one that i’ll ever be after
I watch the sun i wanna show her what she’s missing
But all the stars shine much brighter when she’s dimming

'Cause all they wanted was to give love
But what they got was never enough
And all i wanted was to give love
But what i got was never enough

I watch the sun even though she’ll never notice
She’s on the run i need to keep my focus
She’s got a light on, it’s not a bright but
I’ll try to shine on, i’ll try to shine on

"Lex?" It was a broken whisper that fell upon deaf ears as she had already drifted off to sleep.

"Happy Anniversary."