Cracking Zeenath

Photograph

A/N: The picture above is what Zeenath is building in this chapter. 

      I stood staring at the blank wall, and took a deep breath. I needed to do this. I plugged in my headphones and closed my eyes, letting the music flow through my mind. I smiled softly, feeling the tug on my heartstrings. I opened my eyes and took a quick look at the pictures I had left cascading off my desk and onto the floor before picking up the first one.

Loving can hurt.

I stared at the picture. It was from when we were five. Evelyn sitting next to me on the edge of the fountain in Rivers Park, our feet dangling over the side.

Loving can hurt sometimes.

I reached over picked up a clothespin and attached it to the photo.

But it is the only thing that I know

Next picture. Me when I was two, standing in front of my preschool. That would be the day I met Evelyn. I attached it to another clothespin and turned to lift the third one.

When it gets hard,

You know it can get hard sometimes.

First-grade. Me getting ready for the first day of school. The day I met Noel and Nick for the first time. Nick was in my class, and both of them had just moved into the house down the street.

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

My smile deepened and I clamped a clothespin safely on the photo before moving on.

We keep this love in a photograph,

We made these memories for ourselves

Six years old. Evelyn and me on a ride at the fair. One of those rides where you sit in a chair and it lifts off the ground and swings you around in a circle.

Where our eyes are never closing,

Hearts are never broken,

Time's forever frozen still.

Seven year old me with my hair styled in a bob, standing between Evelyn and Nick, Noel sticking his tongue out and making bunny ears behind my head.

So you can keep me,

Inside the pocket

Of your ripped jeans,

Ten years old. Noel messing up my hair as I sat in a chair, making a face at him as I put up my hands to block his. Behind me, Nick was falling out of his chair because he had leaned too far back.

Holdin' me closer

'Til our eyes meet,

You won't ever be alone.

      Evelyn sitting on her sleeping bag, grinning at the camera during the camping trip in the forest, her pink pajamas a stark contrast against the darkness of the outdoors. We couldn't sleep and had taken the camera to fool around.

Wait for me to come home.

I took in a sharp breath and quickly attached another clothespin to the picture.

Twelve years old. Nick sticking his tongue out as Noel ran after Evelyn, holding a cream pie in his hand.

Noel trying to block Nick from planting another pie on his head as Evelyn tried to wipe away the frosting from her face with a napkin.

Thirteen. Nick's birthday party. Evelyn standing behind him with a hand raised, ready to smack him upside the head if he started teasing her again. I was looking at Nick.

Noel laughing, standing in my backyard as I wrapped myself around him, piggy-back style, peeking over the edge of his shoulder.

We made these memories for ourselves.

Fourteen. Evelyn sticking out her tongue and crossing her eyes at the camera. It was the picture she had set as my background when she stole my phone during lunch.

Fifteen years old. Ericka laughing at something Noel was doing off-camera, a few days after I had introduced her to the rest of the group.

Autumn. Evelyn sitting on the pile of leaves I had just raked as I stood and looked over at Nick, yelling at him to give me back the rake, and stop acting a fool.

Evelyn and Noel sitting next to me on my beloved cliff-side, smiling at the camera as I took a picture to remember the day I finally showed Noel my hiding spot after keeping it a secret between me and Evelyn for five years.

My birthday party. Sixteen. Evelyn, Noel, Nick, and Ericka sitting around me as we took a group picture, my eyes wandering over to Nick again.

Jump to seventeen years old. I sat slumped in a chair, my hair tied back in a ponytail as I frowned at the camera. I was sending the picture to Evelyn, showing her how annoyed I was at having to do that Chemistry project.

Evelyn hugging Noel after he asked her to Homecoming.

Wait for me to come home.

Ericka at Homecoming, laughing at me as I pretended to dance like an idiot.

Wait for me to come home.

Ericka and Noel trying to drag Evelyn to the dance floor as I looked on.

Wait for me to come home,

Me trying to block my face from the camera as I stood against the table, my drink in my hand. Nick was holding the camera.

Wait for me to come home.

Noel returning from college, his signature smile gracing his face as he tried to handle three suitcases at once. Being two years older, he was the first of us to graduate.

Nick and Ericka holding hands, fingers intertwined, at the spring festival that year.

Nick and Ericka again, her arms wrapped around his. I was standing a little to the side, my face slightly lowered as I looked the other way, my smile not quite reaching my eyes.

Noel looking at the camera, lips pursed into a tight smile, his hair messed up and dark bags under his eyes.

Flowers I had left for Evelyn. She never got them.

Me standing in front of my house, ready to leave as my parents took a final picture and waved goodbye. My hair was loose and my face held no smile. I had stopped trying.

      

      I stepped back and took in the sight in front of me. All the pictures were stuck to little white clothespins in a big circle on my wall, each photograph sticking out at a different angle, overlapping each other, blending together into one big colorful ring. I looked at myself in the mirror in the middle and noticed the tears carving their way down my face. I blinked and turned away, wiping away the teardrops with the heels of my hands.